HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE (2009)
I am aware that there was at one point a television show called Hannah Montana. Apparently it is now also a movie. I went into this knowing absolutely nothing about the show. Prepare to have your mind blown: both of the people on that poster are the lady who rides around on the wrecking ball. Crazy, right?
Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) is a sweet down-home country-style farm girl, who unbeknownst to everybody is also a celebrity pop sensation called Hannah Montana. This arrangement allows her to both live life as a regular teenager and enjoy the perks that go along with being a rich superstar. She can get into a fight with Tyra Banks (as rich people do) and then go sit on a horse in a field (as poor people do) and no one will give her shit about it.
I’m so glad that poor people can still afford horses in this country.
Unfortunately, a creepy British dude (Peter Gunn) is trying to blow her cover by sleazing around her fancy tent.
Just a middle-aged man in a teen girl’s changing room, definitely not too creepy for Disney.
Miley ends up alienating one of her best friends by upstaging her birthday party. Also, a terrifying child pops out of a cake.
Meanwhile, Miley’s dad Robby Ray (Billy Ray Cyrus) has decided that she’s getting too detached from her roots and drags her back to the family’s farm in Tennessee, where her grandmother (Margo Martindale) is either having a birthday or dying. I can’t remember which.
Sorry, Margo Martindale.
The british guy follows Hannah Montana to Tennessee to learn her secrets, but falls into a pile of shit. He calls his boss, who as it happens is bathing in shit. The plot is not furthered by either of these things.
Miley has a big ol’ crush on a simple Tennessee kid (Lucas Till) who won’t like her if she’s Hannah Montana. What to do? Should she change who she is forever for this boy? He’s so dreamy. He’s building a chicken coop.
Presumably for Pee-wee Herman or some clowns.
Anyhow, a “save the youth center” type plot emerges, and for some reason Hannah Montana is roped into performing a big show. In the middle of it she feels sad about lying to everybody and reveals her true identity.
I’d make fun of the fact that all it took was a wig for them not to recognize her,
but I didn’t realize she was both people on the poster, so I can’t throw any stones.
But then she wusses out and makes everyone promise not to tell. And they don’t. Hooray!
Can you really have the best of both worlds? Can you live in wealth and ease, and still enjoy the simple pleasures of life? These are the questions that lie at the core of Hannah Montana: The Movie (and presumably the show as well). But the thing is, Miley Stewart (Hannah’s poor-sona) is also pretty damn rich and out of touch. Sure, she isn’t flying around on jets and whatnot like Hannah is, but her family owns a ranch that employs numerous hands and workers. Hell, her best friend was able to rent out an amusement park for her birthday. This is not something that poor, or even middle-class people traditionally have the funds to do.
You don’t even get invited to this type of shindig unless you’re in a certain income bracket.
Furthermore, Miley doesn’t seem to get how hard it is making a living on a farm. For example, directly following a scene where the townspeople are bemoaning how the economy may force them to sell their land (to Barry Bostwick of all people), Miley dumps a giant cart of walnuts in the road to trip up a paparazzo. Not only did she just fuck up some poor farmer’s source of income, she could easily have helped contribute to the adverse effects of a drought (walnuts suck up a ridiculous amount of water). She is clearly out of touch with the common man.
She’s a terrible imp!
Aww, poor Miley, sad that she can’t have the best of both worlds. Both of your worlds are pretty excellent. Shut up and enjoy either one of them, instead of whining in front of an audience who are probably lucky if they can afford a trip to Disneyland once a decade.
WHY DON’T PEOPLE LIKE IT?:
Boring, implausible plot. Unbearable acting. That work?
- At one point she comes in like a wrecking ball.
MOST REGRETTABLE MOMENT:
This movie contains one of the most implausible plot points I have ever encountered. So, Hannah Montana reveals her secret identity to a massive crowd of people in the big concert sequence at the end of the film. But, after having second thoughts, she decides to keep pretending to be Hannah Montana. The crowd agrees not to reveal her true identity, and it is assumed that she goes back to living her old double life, without anyone being the wiser. But that crowd is huge, and the idea that not one of them is going to blab is just ridiculous. By the end of the next song, about a hundred people will have tweeted her home address. The fact that the movie expects us to swallow the concept of her continued anonymity should be offensive even to the intellects of the show’s tween audience.
“Nope, none of us is going to tell!”
Just fuck off.
If this is anything like the show, I have no interest in ever watching the show. But then, I guess I’m not in the target demographic. Go knock your socks off, if this is your thing.
Once Upon a Warrior (2011)