THE OBJECTIVE: Watch the 52 worst live action Disney movies, one every week, in 2015.
BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA (2008)
Of all the movies on my list this year, Beverly Hills Chihuahua may be the one that caused the most people to groan when they heard I was watching it. So here we go.
THE STORY:
Chloe (Drew Barrymore) is a fancy dog who lives in Jamie Lee Curtis’s purse. But one day her life goes to shit when she’s left in the hands of Piper Perabo, Curtis’s non-shit-giving daughter.
Because I don’t care anymore, all live action characters will be
referred to by the name of the actor who played them.
Perabo takes a trip down to Mexico and things get racist! Poor Chloe has to contend with a string of stereotypical Mexican problems. Like being kidnapped for ransom money!
Torture van!
Taking part in an underground dog fight!
Fun for the kids!
Dia de los Muertos!
This could be a cultural learning moment if it weren’t lazily crammed in the film during a chase sequence.
Being bilked by local con artists!
???
Being smuggled into the U.S. by a coyote!
Simultaneously the film’s best and worst pun.
Piñatas filled with speedy Mexican rodents!
Voiced by Cheech Marin!
A giant native Aztec Chihuahua cult!
‘Kay…
Eventually she gets home, fucks her Mexican landscaper, and has a bunch of kids. (No, really.)
The End!
THE SUBTEXT:
Being an affluent white American is nice, but it can really put you out of touch with the common folk. Slum it up a little to reabsorb the magic of life!
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Aww, having a hard time? Poor people know what life is really about. Visit some of them, hear their quaint wisdom, then return to your home feeling more fulfilled. Eat. Pray. Dog.
WHY DON’T PEOPLE LIKE IT?:
Fuck it, you can put two and two together.
MOST REGRETTABLE MOMENT:
The most regrettable moment in this film is every moment that George Lopez’s character Papi is on-screen. Let me explain. Papi is a Chihuahua landscaper who intrudes into the plot of the film, but does absolutely nothing to move it forward. He harasses Chloe with endless suggestions that they date/fall in love/bone, and eventually follows her to Mexico after she gets kidnapped. But he never does anything that actually helps facilitate her rescue (that role is taken by a German Shepherd voiced by Andy García). Despite contributing NOTHING to the plot, Papi is front and center on the poster, DVD cover, etc. That’s a load of sexism right there. Why can’t Chloe, the titular Beverly Hills Chihuahua, get top billing?
Nope, it’s got to be a dude dog.
But wait, there’s more! Throughout the film Papi has the sloppiest and most forced dialogue imaginable. It seems like the only goal the writers had was reminding the audience of how utterly south of the border this dog is. Some hits include “Hold your tacos!” and “I’m gonna go all kinds of Mexican on him!”
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Please, folks, get your pets spayed and neutered.
NEXT WEEK:
High School Musical 3: Senior Year (2008)
