THE SHAGGY DOG (2006)
Another beloved(ish) Disney property gets the remake treatment. Hey, after The Santa Clause, Tim Allen’s uncontrollably morphing body was hot, and what better way to cash in on that than to cast him as that famous dog-person from the ’50s. Woooo, The Shaggy Dog. Here we go.
Dave Douglas (Tim Allen) is on the fast track to becoming a Los Angeles D.A. (nothing familiar there), but at the expense of alienating his wife (Kristin Davis) and children (Zena Grey and Spencer Breslin). He can’t really help it; he’s a movie dad.
Danny Glover is there too, but doesn’t do anything.
He is currently prosecuting his daughter’s social studies teacher for setting a laboratory on fire. But what’s going on inside the lab? Oh, just Robert Downey Jr. trying to solve the secret of immortality by experimenting on an ancient Tibetan dog (though not an actual Tibetan dog, because that would make too much sense).
I’m not sure if this is racist or not, but it’s certainly stupid.
They’ve been able to viralize (not a real thing) all the dog’s blood. Theoretically, this should be able to make whoever comes in contact with the blood immortal (or at least very long-lived), but it turns out it just makes you turn into a dog. Cue an entire lab full of half-dog animals.
Hey, why is that frog’s head a bulldog?
He’s supposed to be turning into the sheepdog they’re experimenting on, right?
Fuck this shit.
Anyhow, the dog gets out. It bites Douglas. He turns into a dog. Bullshit happens. Lessons are learned.
Alright, so that’s a shitty plot. But guess what? There’s something significantly more fucked up going on here. Tim Allen’s character is carrying a new and terrifyingly contagious bloodborne pathogen, and no one seems to have noticed.
It’s also troubling that the virus takes the form of millions of tiny CG dogs.
From one small bite on his hand, Dave Douglas immediately contracts this dog-based disease. That means that this virus can pass from saliva to blood without a problem. This brings up all manner of terrible questions. Will anyone who comes in touch with Douglas’s spit be doomed to morph into a canine? Is it able to be spread through sexual fluids too? Is this the beginning of a new STI that will leave you forever doing it doggy-style?
Not only is this new disease contagious as all get-out, but its effects are horrific. First it alters your mind, causing your actions to become erratic. Then, your body morphs uncontrollably into a large canine. Perhaps worst of all, this change comes along with a massive increase in life span. Fuck! The world has just been introduced to a virus that creates immortal werewolves.
It’d be badass if it weren’t so terrifying.
Since the alternative is a global apocalypse, I would argue that it would be justifiable to permanently quarantine and possibly kill every single human and animal infected with this terrifying pathogen. I know it sounds harsh, but do you want to live in a world where everyone is a goddamn eternal sheepdog? I know I don’t.
WHY DON’T PEOPLE LIKE IT?:
Tim Allen’s terrifying face.
This has been enough.
Also, everything else.
MOST REGRETTABLE MOMENT:
You know what isn’t very funny? If you answered prison rape, you have named one of many correct answers. But, hey, I guess it’s alright to imply that the main character in a PG movie has been some mastiff’s figurative (and literal!) bitch.
“This mastiff just sold me for three biscuits!”
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)