OBJECTIVE: Watch Avatar once per every week of 2014.

WHEN: August 8, 2014, 7:19 pm. (Week 32, August 3-9.)

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME.

FORMAT: DVD on a 19” AOC LED computer monitor; digital download on an iPhone 3.

COMPANY: None.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Had been procrastinating all afternoon. No desire to view. In a funk.

James Cameron’s Avatar is an inspiring piece of film-making, and has many deep sophisticated messages that can be useful for anyone. Why, there are a few things in the film that could even have helped our founding fathers do a better job of setting up the great a glorious U.S. of A. Today, I present to you five presidents and how their administrations could have benefited by watching Avatar.

GEORGE WASHINGTON, DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF:

george-washington-portrait-gilbert

George Washington was one of our most effective national leaders. He provided the military know-how we needed to win the Revolution, and the national cohesion needed to solidify the union afterward. But did you know that he was constantly riddled with self-doubt about how he was perceived? Imagine what this great man could have achieved if he hadn’t been continuously self-conscious about how his dinner parties were received, or how his false teeth looked!

If he’d been able to travel forward in time and watch Avatar, he might have learned that it doesn’t matter who you are or what people think about you, you can be a hero anyway! Jake is proud to be who he is, and he doesn’t let anything, from the distrust of Dr. Augustine, to his reliance on a wheelchair, slow him down!

JakePrep

JOHN ADAMS, PICK BETTER FRIENDS:

John Adams

John Adams was one of our nation’s earliest diplomats and politicians, but once he became chief executive, his administration was famously crippled by a disloyal cabinet. Because he kept on his predecessor’s secretary of state, Timothy Pickering, and several others, his orders were constantly undermined, almost leading to war with France! No good!

If he’d watched Avatar, he’d have known that you have to surround yourself with solid friends who will have your back, no matter what. There’s no way Trudy Chacon would take secret orders from Alexander Hamilton, even if it meant having her helicopter blown up. That’s a true buddy.

TrudyWarpaint

ABRAHAM LINCOLN, MORE FLAIR:

Abraham_Lincoln_November_1863

Abraham Lincoln saved the U.S.A. when he beat the South up during the Civil War. But he was super boring while he did it. Yawn.

Maybe he should have taken a page out of Jake Sully’s book. Jake Sully is never boring. Look at him riding Last Shadow! Holy shit awesome. He kicks your butt, honest Abe!

LastShadow

JAMES MADISON, PRAY TO EYWA:

james-madison-portrait-painting-1

James Madison rocked pretty hard when he guided the Constitution through drafting and ratification, but when it came to war with Britain in 1812, he was a major bungler! Sticking to his Republican ideals, Madison refused to use executive force to wrangle the sloppy military into line. This left Washington virtually undefended against British soldiers. Yikes!

If Madison had watched Avatar, however, he would have known that all you need to do to garner a mighty military force is to stick the nerve bundle at the end of your hair into the Tree of Souls and pray to Eywa! She’ll send an army lickity split! Try burning down the White House when it’s surrounded by hammerhead rhinos, you limey Brits!

JakePray

WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON:

William_Henry_Harrison_daguerreotype_edit

Poor William Henry Harrison! If only he’d known that the atmosphere is toxic, and had chosen to wear an oxygen mask during his inauguration, he might have been known for something other than dying 3o days after taking office. Oops!

NeytiriJakeMask