I watched Top Gun (okay flick) once a week for 52 weeks in 2012, Back to the Future (great flick) once a week for 52 weeks in 2013, and now I’ve watched The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (ick flick) for 30 weeks of 2014, though that’ll eventually be 52 as well.

That does things to brains. Here what July ’14 was like for mine.

LET’S TALK FELLOWSHIP:
I had a crapload of experiment-relevant dreams this month, but let’s start with the embarrassing one mentioned in the title. On July 1st, I dreamed… that my dick glowed blue whenever I was horny. That not Lord of the Rings-y enough for you? Galadriel was there to point and laugh at my weird Sting-rection. Happy now?

Or is that just a blue sword in your pocket?

Continuing the theme of sexual frustration and The Lord of the Rings, I was having a conversation on July 9th about the types of women that I straight-up avoid so that I don’t fall in love with them (monogamous ones, basically), and I said it’s akin to how everybody in Middle-earth would rather throw the One Ring into a volcano than deal with temptation. And then I hated myself for relating to Frodo and for using a movie I don’t like as a parable.

On July 12th I caught myself humming “In Dreams.” That’s all. Next.

I saw a news story on July 17th about a woman finding a diamond ring at Goodwill. The anchor said, “it wasn’t just any ring,” and I immediately thought, “Oh fuck, get rid of it!” because I apparently believe Fellowship is real now.

It doesn’t even look like the One Ring, but I was still mind-shouting,
“Throw that shit in a volcano!”

This is a really dumb nerd thing, but whatever, later that day on July 17th, I read “NOOOOO!” in a Facebook message and heard it in my headvoice as Frodo, right after Gandalf falls off the cliff. All previous “NOOOOOs” had registered in my head as Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith. Does this even make sense to any normal people out there? Probably not. Enjoy sports and sex!

Here is visual evidence that one other human being understood that.

Oh God, this one. Yep, Fellowship is affecting my sense of humor. On July 18th, I went to dinner with Ex-Cinemanaut Becca and she had a ring of onion left on her plate. I mentioned she had “one ring” and she said I could take it and I said, “Don’t tempt me, Frodo!” and what the fuck, do I think that’s funny now? Am I enjoying quoting Lord of the Rings? Ugh.

On July 19th, I went kayaking. As soon as I got out on the water, I couldn’t get the Orc theme music out of my head. Remind me not to go hiking, oh wait, I hate hiking, we’re good.

Bup-ba-BUMMMMMM…

And the final Fellowship result, on July 29th, I dreamed I was on the set of a new Hobbit movie and was disgusted by the amount of green screen. You could say that’s a result of watching Unexpected Journey or Smaug recently but I have to believe I wouldn’t have given as much of a shit if I weren’t forced to watch the impressive practical effects of Fellowship of the Ring every week.

See that bit of cheese in his mouth? THEY DID IT FOR REAL.

LET’S TALK FUTURE:
I had a double dose of Back to the Future dreams this month, the first of which took place at the home of, naturally, Bill Pullman. On July 7th, I dreamed I was hangin’ out with Bill and the special effects supervisor for Spaceballs, and he had a model of Lone Star’s Winnebago over his fireplace. The license plate said “OUTATIME” and I was all, “Hold up, excuse me, that is NOT the correct license plate, and I would know, for I am an expert on Back to the Future.”

I couldn’t tell you what Lone Star’s actual license plate says.

The second dream was on July 27th, in which I dreamed that I was Christopher Lloyd. This has never happened before. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve EVER had a dream where I was a different person. Anyway, I, Chris, was on the set of a supernatural comedy with Michael J. Fox. Yes, this dream was likely triggered by my recent viewing of The Frighteners, but I find it fascinating that my brain won’t let Michael J. Fox be in anything without Christopher Lloyd there, too.

“Did someone say ‘Doc’?”

LET’S TALK GUN:
Thankfully, I had zero Top Gun dreams in July, but I’m still a slave to Kenny Loggins. On July 10th, while editing footage of F-15s for a story about a flying pastor, I started humming “Danger Zone.” This continues to be a problem no matter what kind of plane I see.

Finally, on July 11th, I was watching an episode of The Colbert Report in which Stephen, for whatever reason, mentioned that a dodo makes a terrible wingman. I got into Joke Prediction Mode (it’s a thing my people do) and thought for all the world that the next joke was going to be about how “your best choice for a wingman is a goose,” because Goose, Top Gun, ha ha, but it never happened. Maybe the Colbert staff is kicking themselves right now over a missed comedic opportunity, but the far more likely scenario is that 52 weeks of exposure to Top Gun just plain makes me think it’s more pop culturally relevant than it really is.

Though, if you’re somehow reading this right now, Stephen,
please consider my razor-sharp wit for your writing staff.