OBJECTIVE: Watch Avatar once per every week of 2014.
WHEN: July 25, 2014, 2:01 pm. (Week 30, July 20-26.)
WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME.
FORMAT: DVD on a 19” AOC LED computer monitor; digital download on an iPhone 3.
PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Tired.
TOO MANY TREES
There’s a scene in Avatar where Parker Selfridge, one of the film’s main villains, declares that the Na’vi have too many sacred trees.
“You throw a stick in the air around here, and you’re going to hit some sacred fern, for Christ’s sake!”
While he’s a total dick, and has just destroyed an important cultural site of the Na’vi people, I can’t help but agree with him. Avatar is filled with important trees, and I’m just plain sick of caring about them. As such, I have created this handy list which you can reference if, like me, you are sick of trying to keep all these trees straight.
This is the big tree that everyone lives in. It’s name is pretty self explanatory. It’s super big. Like a skyscraper. There don’t seem to be any others like it, which is a shame I guess, since it get’s blown the fuck up.
THE TREE OF VOICES:
This tree is wicked creepy, but no one seems to acknowledge this. If you touch your hair dick to one of its tendrils, you get to hear the voices of a whole bunch of dead people. Are their brains stuck in there? Is it just a recording or something? No one knows. But I think it’s kind of freaky.
THE TREE OF SOULS:
This is the tree where the Na’vi talk to Eywa via creepy interpretive dance while plugging their hair dicks into its roots. I guess this tree is kind of freaky too, now that I think about it.
THE FALLING DOWN WHILE TRAINING TREE:
I’m not sure if this tree is important, or whether it’s just a generic tree. Neytiri makes Jake jump out of it, so that he can learn how to parkour off of leaves. There is a decent chance that this was just Neytiri’s way of trying to trick Jake into falling to his death.
THE HORSE CLAN’S TREE:
We aren’t told much of anything about this tree, but I’m sure it’s important. Maybe it lays horse eggs, or some shit. I don’t care anymore.
Grandmother Willow is a character from Pocahontas, and as such does not appear in this movie.
All of the other trees. Check ‘em all out. Woooo.
Wait, what was I talking about? Trees? Yes. There are too many. Fuck ‘em.