OBJECTIVE: Watch Avatar once per every week of 2014.
WHEN: July 25, 2014, 2:01 pm. (Week 30, July 20-26.)
WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME.
FORMAT: DVD on a 19” AOC LED computer monitor; digital download on an iPhone 3.
COMPANY: None.
PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Tired.
TOO MANY TREES
There’s a scene in Avatar where Parker Selfridge, one of the film’s main villains, declares that the Na’vi have too many sacred trees.
“You throw a stick in the air around here, and you’re going to hit some sacred fern, for Christ’s sake!”
While he’s a total dick, and has just destroyed an important cultural site of the Na’vi people, I can’t help but agree with him. Avatar is filled with important trees, and I’m just plain sick of caring about them. As such, I have created this handy list which you can reference if, like me, you are sick of trying to keep all these trees straight.
HOME TREE:
This is the big tree that everyone lives in. It’s name is pretty self explanatory. It’s super big. Like a skyscraper. There don’t seem to be any others like it, which is a shame I guess, since it get’s blown the fuck up.
THE TREE OF VOICES:
This tree is wicked creepy, but no one seems to acknowledge this. If you touch your hair dick to one of its tendrils, you get to hear the voices of a whole bunch of dead people. Are their brains stuck in there? Is it just a recording or something? No one knows. But I think it’s kind of freaky.
THE TREE OF SOULS:
This is the tree where the Na’vi talk to Eywa via creepy interpretive dance while plugging their hair dicks into its roots. I guess this tree is kind of freaky too, now that I think about it.
THE FALLING DOWN WHILE TRAINING TREE:
I’m not sure if this tree is important, or whether it’s just a generic tree. Neytiri makes Jake jump out of it, so that he can learn how to parkour off of leaves. There is a decent chance that this was just Neytiri’s way of trying to trick Jake into falling to his death.
THE HORSE CLAN’S TREE:
We aren’t told much of anything about this tree, but I’m sure it’s important. Maybe it lays horse eggs, or some shit. I don’t care anymore.
GRANDMOTHER WILLOW:
Grandmother Willow is a character from Pocahontas, and as such does not appear in this movie.
FOREST:
All of the other trees. Check ‘em all out. Woooo.
IN SUMMATION:
Wait, what was I talking about? Trees? Yes. There are too many. Fuck ‘em.
