OBJECTIVE: Watch a popular or critically acclaimed film we’ve never seen to the halfway point. Pause it. Work together to predict the ending.
PITCH PERFECT (2012)
THE LAST THING WE SAW: We paused at 00:56:00, right after the Sockapellas perform and just as the Bellas do their hands-in-the-middle thing.
And now… discuss!
Phil: Can I stop you there? Can you believe that Anna Kendrick’s character’s line was actually “[Movie Endings]: They’re predictable”?
Phil: Why don’t you try it some time, Anna? My track record has been okay, but not pitch perfect.
Ben: Burn… I guess.
Phil: Well, she is from Portland. That might have been her nod to her home town’s resident half-movie buffs.
Ben: Nothing else makes sense.
Ben: So, speaking of vomiting, the blonde is either gonna blow chunks like a fucking champ again or poop herself. I vote she poops herself. You know, at the big climactic whatever thing.
Phil: Oooo, I hadn’t thought of that. A filmmaker has got to use Chekhov’s “involuntary bodily function.” My thought was that the blonde in charge, whose musical knowledge seems to stop around The Matrix‘s official soundtrack, would eventually fall from her lofty perch, but I hadn’t thought that her downward spiral would involve her impulsive tum.
Ben: The Matrix soundtrack? That’s generous of you. If she knows anything newer than Wayne’s World, she’s a hipster in her own mind. But okay. How do you think she’s gonna get aca-bitch-slapped?
Phil: My thought was this: Anna will have carnal relations with her wide-mouthed, Ernie-esque beau Jesse (the big no-no in the ensemble). This will be all that it would take to get Anna kicked out by Blondie (I’m calling her that, not due to her hair-color, but due to that being the last band she fully knows about).
Phil: However, it’ll turn out that the entire ensemble has been boning the Trebles for a while, and to kick out Anna means to kick out everyone. Thus Blondie’s reign of terror is over. However, I like the poop scenario.
Ben: We’ve already seen that play out with two-tenths of the Bellas. And yeah, trying to curb college kid libido is like trying to keep cake away from Fat Female Russell Brand… I mean, Fat Amy.
Phil: Fat Amy’s got dibs on the Treblemaker with the sweet fro and unicycle. She’ll probably even throw the magic kid a bone too.
Ben: Who, Darth Children’s Birthday Party?
Phil: He may not be singing a cappella, but at least he’s allowed to get laid.
Ben: Wait, are we doing a set list of Treble-Bella hook-ups? Cause I wanna see Adam hit on the lesbian just so he can say, “You don’t wanna date me? That’s fine; I get that. But you’re wrong and I hate you!”
Phil: Wait. Which one is the lesbian? I thought that 2nd-in-command Ginger Spice was hitting on Anna Kendrick, but I am also assuming that a big plot point will be that Blondie’s right-hand woman will get with Adam.
Ben: From the Workatonix! But no, the larger girl with the dyed magenta hair is really super-gay. She had her face in the cleavage of Tits McGee, and that was before she was aggressively grinding on her! I think you’re confusing Simply Red’s bathroom bravado for her orientation.
Phil: Possibly, but she was totally giving bedroom eyes to the Buddy Holly guy.
Ben: But back to plot points that “matter,” I think we can agree that Beca (Anna Kendrick’s character has a name, Phil!) is gonna try to take the reigns from the Peroxide Princess, yeah? How do you think that shit’s gonna go down?
Phil: I actually don’t think Beca (ooo, another Cinema 52 reference from Kendrick?) cares that much yet: she’s already backed down on updating the songs and singing the solo. The poo will hit the fan when Aubrey’s (Blondie has a name, Ben) reign will interfere with Kendrick’s private life, i.e. her burgeoning romance with Jesse.
Ben: Jesse has a coup going as well, though, I think. I can totally see the Treblemakers considering a rotten plot, and then Jesse heads them off at the pass. Or due to their horniness, one of them will make a pass at a Bella and ruin the plan. Maybe they’ll get overeager and telegraph their pass. Apparently, I like the word “pass” today.
Phil: It’s funny, when I was coming up with the second half’s goings-on, I really never considered what the Trebles might do. I guess I assumed them to be the stooges that they’ve been, but inactive stooges.
Ben: You mean, like, “The Trouble With Trebles?”
Phil: Exactly. But you’re probably right that they’ll have a more active role.
Ben: I guess that’s a more old-fashioned way to think about things, with a clear group of villains. I mean, if the only adversary is “lack of self-confidence,” then all the writers should just blow each other and forget about making a movie. Have a villain. Throw a pie. Win a contest. For fuck’s sake. This is a major Hollywood movie franchise, not Tumblr.
Phil: Absolutely. I guess this plot point is no longer Up in the Air.
Ben: Ha! Gold. But while we’re talking about movie broad strokes, I call Beca will overthrow Blondie (maybe with the help of Ginger Spice?) and take over the Bellas. And she won’t kiss Jesse until the very end à la The Breakfast Club. Also, Blondie poops herself on stage. With her butt.
Phil: Whoa there, fella. Hang on. First of all, despite the fact that Anna Kendrick and Judd Nelson are both from Portland (is he also a fan?), that is where their similarities end. No, I think that Anna will pop the sexual tension she has with Jesse pretty soon, which will be the fuel Blondie needs to try to kick Anna out of the group (to no avail). However, I do agree with you that the group will eventually have to vote, either to stick with the Blondie’s traditions, or to go with Anna’s new progressive ways, with an updated song list. (Anna will win—although, personally, I prefer the Ace of Base stuff.)
Ben: I’m pretty sure there’s a government watch-list for people who don’t like Ace of Base. #ninetieskids (We can put hashtags in these articles, right?)
Phil: So the Bellas are all in, they’ll sing some songs, it’ll be awesome, the Bellas will take down those goddamned Trebles, and Anna and Jesse go off into their film-scoring and house DJ sunset—or should I say, into their “predictable ending?” Right, Anna?!
AND NOW, WE FINISH THE MOVIE: