OBJECTIVE: Watch The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring once per every week of 2014.

WHEN: June 22, 2014, 12:00am. (Week 26, June 15-21.)

WHERE: In the living room of my apartment in Portland, ME.

FORMAT: Blu-ray on a Vizio 47″ LCD HDTV.


PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Ate some chicken strips. Lil’ sleepy.

If you’re just joining us for the first time, hello. I’m Bill. I watch The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, a film I hate, every week as part of a science experiment/bad idea/pathetic cry for attention in an Internet landscape that’s rapidly running out of ideas/hat? Cinema 52 might be a hat.

With this viewing, I am exactly halfway through the third year of the experiment. I am 5/6 free of the prison I built for myself. That’s a very good feeling. So, I wanted to do something special to mark the occasion. With this in mind, it’s worth noting that, for the first time in this experiment, my assigned film is based on a book (instead of the other way around), and I haven’t read it yet.

One of these is technically literature. Choose wisely.
(I’m kidding, choose Back to the Future, it’s a hoot.)

So, I’ve decided this is my last viewing of TLOTR:TFOTR before I plow through a book I have never before had any desire to read. I started the movie at midnight on Sunday in order to give myself the maximum amount of reading time before the next viewing comes around. And, since this is my last viewing of Fellowship that will be unspoiled by its dumb ol’ source material, I figured this would be a great time to take notes on shit that still confuses me after 25 viewings that the book had better goddamn answer.

How were the Rings forged?

Why isn’t Sauron invisible when he wears the One Ring?

What are Saruman’s reasons for siding with Sauron?

Why did Saruman lock Gandalf in the tower instead of killing him?

Why does Elrond allow Hobbits in the Fellowship when they don’t seem to have any combat skills?

Why not send absolutely everyone with fighting abilities to Mordor? Why only nine?

Why do Saruman and Gandalf know what happened in Moria but Gimli doesn’t, and why doesn’t anyone tell him?

Why doesn’t Gimli know how to get into his cousin’s place?

What’s the Watcher in the Water’s backstory?

Why did Gandalf let himself fall down the pit in Moria?

Galadriel? Just… Galadriel. What’s her deal?

What’s the Argonath?

What exactly is Frodo’s plan when he gets to Mordor?

That is too many questions to have after you’ve seen a movie 26 times. And now, to see if Tolkien can answer them. Come on back real soon.

Did I not just make an entire list of weaknesses for the film to improve upon? How about if the ghost of Tolkien just popped in every so often to apologize for Peter Jackson?

“Ah, toilet humor. Lovely work, Pete. Sorry about that, folks.”