Jackson Very Terrible Try to Make Better

It’s that time again, where I watch the entire filmography of the director of the film I’ve been assigned for Cinema 52. Unlike Tony Scott or Robert Zemeckis, however, the director of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring can’t seem to ever release just one cut of his films. So, not only am I cramming twelve movies into one exhausting weekend, but specifically the longest available version of each film. That’s right, it’s not just the complete Peter Jackson… it’s COMPLETER JACKSON. Let’s do this.



IS THIS A PAINFULLY LONG PETER? Not yet. While Peter Jackson blew our fucking minds by announcing there would eventually be an Extended Edition, it has yet to be released at this time, and you’re goddamned right it was a tactical decision on my part to do Completer Jackson before it came out so I could get the hell out of here in just 161 minutes.


Several of them.


Sadly not voiced by Sean Connery.

Some town with Stephen Fry in it.

“Soupy twist!”

Oh, yeah, spiders. Forgot the spiders. Spiders.



Thankfully, this movie doesn’t play the Hey, Remember That? game as intensely as the last movie, but nevertheless, it plays.

“Hi, everybody, Peter Jackson here. Remember when I ate a carrot in Bree?
Back in Fellowship? No? Well, I did! And I do again in this movie!” *fart*

Also, Legolas is here for some fucking reason, and his eyes look weird for some other fucking reason.

Peter Jackson: “Make him look younger.”
Production designer: “Sorry, didn’t catch that, did you say, ‘Make him look like a demon?'”
Peter Jackson: “Yeah, whatever, I’m gonna go take a nap.”

Oh, and remember when I complained about the lack of interesting female characters in Fellowship? My prayers have been answered! Check out Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel, the non-canon She-Elf badass!

She kills stuff!

And there’s this one scene where a Dwarf is all, “Hey, touch my dick,” and she’s all, “Ha, you probably don’t even have a dick,” and we’re all, “Yeah, she doesn’t take that guy’s shit!” and then she’s all, “Just kidding, let me see that dick, I will suck it forever, I love you, mmm, slurp slurp, I need that Dwarf dick, mama likey, make me complete, PENIS ME, NOW.”

“Take my vag or the audience will wonder if you Dwarves fuck each other.”

Wait, wasn’t this section supposed to be on the style of the film? Whatever.

I will go on record with this. For most of the movie, the CGI looks just okay. The actors being green screened onto the CGI looks bad. But, if I’m in the mood for a ridiculous cartoon fight scene with zero tension because every goddamn character is Neo and never makes a single mistake while attempting utterly stupid battle maneuvers that pay off with 100% accuracy… I give the barrel sequence a thumbs-up.

Go ahead. Judge me.

Yes, it’s dumb as fuck, but it’s fantastically, blissfully dumb as fuck. If you have zero interest in any of the Hobbit films, some Saturday when you’ve slept in until noon and you’ve got nowhere to be and your brain is fried from a long, busy week, pop in Smaug and skip it to the 47-minute mark and just let ‘er rip. If we’re doomed to fakey fake Peter Jackson computer effects from here on out, at least keep ‘em this crazy.

What is even happening right now? This was a book once?

The rest of the effects? Eh.

There’s a pretty neat James Bond title sequence, though.
Also, Hey, Remember That?

I’m supposed to say this was a step up from Unexpected Journey, but it’s still not a good movie. It’s things and stuff and blah. It has one sequence I liked and I don’t even feel good saying I liked it. I want to take this moment to vow that I will see whatever Peter Jackson makes after this Hobbit shit in theaters as long as it isn’t Hobbit shit. If that’s what it takes to get you back to making fun, creative movies, I will make that promise, Pete. Be bold. Take chances. Maybe lose the key to WingNut’s CGI department?

UP NEXT: Nothing. We’re done here. Until The Hobbit’s Five Armies Go There, which is irritatingly going to squeak in right before the end of the year/this project, so yes, unfortunately, I’ll see it. But for now, pack it in, Completer Jackson is over. Unless you were hoping for a big conclusion article to wrap up this whole ordeal. Okay, yeah, I’ll do that.