I’ve watched The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring thirteen times this year. Nobody should have to type those words.

Please. Make it stop.

Are you one of the people that voted for me to watch Fellowship every week for a year for the Cinema 52 experiment? Congratulations, here are the possibly permanent effects of your actions upon my brain. I hope you’re happy.

LET’S TALK FELLOWSHIP:
My first result of the month happened on March 2. Somebody suggested we watch Caddyshack (R.I.P. Harold Ramis) and I said we didn’t have enough time. Which is weird, because we had three hours. Fellowship is making me think all movies are unbearably long.

“Hey, everybody, another 60 minutes until we all get laid!”

On March 7, I realized that I just can’t stop beatboxing the Fellowship theme in the shower. Come on, it’s got Fuck Yeah brass and perfect pauses for snare drums. (Has anybody sampled it? Nope, just Howard Shore’s Uruk-hai theme.) Well…it’s a good tune. I’m okay with this side effect.

On March 14, I passed by a snowbank that reminded me of the treacherous mountain pass of Caradhras. I wondered if miniatures were used for that scene, then imagined a tiny fellowship trudging up the snow bank. I smiled to myself, then remembered that I hate this fucking movie.

Let us go through the potholes of Moria.

Oh, yeah, and on March 27, I misread an ad for “Ballroom Dance Lessons” as “Balrog Dance Lessons.”

“Five, six, seven, eight…”

So, yeah. That’s it for March. See how you’ve ruined my life???

LET’S TALK FUTURE:
One of the worst results from last year’s experiment (watching my favorite movie, Back to the Future, once a week) is that I stopped regularly dreaming about driving a DeLorean time machine. While I hypothesized that these dreams would increase from constant exposure to Doc and Marty, I didn’t have one single DeLorean dream the entire year, and it made me sad. Well, the streak is over, my friends. On March 21, I dreamed that Doc parked the DeLorean too close to a building’s lightning rod and asked me to go move it. Whee.

Even in dreams, I can’t pull off a sweet hood slide.

This may be the closest our site has gotten to an actual, honest-to-goodness, “maybe this should be a real experiment done by real scientists” result. I effectively stopped a recurring dream by repeated exposure to the subject of it. And now I know that the effect isn’t permanent. I still don’t know why this happened; I wonder if the weekly reminder that it’s just a movie lessened my imagination’s desire for it to be real. Anyway, Real Scientists of the World, gimme a call.

LET’S TALK GUN:
Oh, yeah, that’s right, there was a year where I watched Top Gun every week, too. Well, I tried to tell myself this next behavior didn’t count as a result of that ordeal, but I must admit defeat.FaceGun

That’s a Facebook comments section from March 13, 2014. That Maverick picture is something I keep on my phone to emphasize moments when I’m trying to act cool but just come off as cheesy. I convinced myself that this doesn’t count because everybody posts this Maverick picture all the time, right? It’s totally a meme! Yeah? No. No, it isn’t. It’s a me thing that I do. Because only I have such a deep, personal connection to the cool cheesiness and cheesy coolness of Top Gun, a movie I didn’t even love in the first place. Aggghhh.

It’s a unique situation to force yourself to research films you have no interest in (unless you’re in film school). I’d almost recommend it if I didn’t have to watch The Fellowship of the Ring thirty-nine more times this year.