OBJECTIVE: Watch Wild Wild West once per every week of 2014.

WHEN: January 1st, 2014, 1:35 pm. (Week 1, Jan 1-4.)

WHERE: In the bedroom of my apartment in Portland, ME.

FORMAT: DVD on a… uh… TV… it’s boxy? (I care as little about formats as Cinemanaut Bill does about Middle-earth.)

COMPANY: None.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Burph!

What in the blue hell have I gotten myself into?

Cinemanaut Bill is fond of saying that I have the “fish in a barrel” movie, the Razzie Award-winning stinker that is not going to have a horde of Ring-Nuts or Pandoraphiles baying for my head. A barrel it may be, but it’s a barrel full of shitty jokes that I have to dive into every single week.

Don’t believe me? (Have you SEEN this movie?) Fear not, I cataloged all the movie’s jokes and found the most common ones are in five categories. What are they? (Have you READ this article’s title?) Well, let’s start with…

MUGGING!

Will Smith plays Jim West as very tough and businesslike most of the time. However, when trying to multitask making out with Belle (Garcelle Beauvais) and scoping out the bad guys, he pulls a stupid fish face like this:

No, his character wasn’t just slapped.

Look, he still thinks he’s making out with the hot lady! Joke’s on him, though! Wocka wocka! In all seriousness, though, mugging is fine if 1) it’s funny, 2) the work’s general tone or world is absurd or off-the-wall, 3) the character is possessed or exposed to some kind of magic, or 4) if it’s in keeping with the character’s overall personality. Jim West’s derp face qualifies for none of these. Will Smith must have forgotten for a moment that he wasn’t on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; what worked well there falls very flat here.

At least when Artemus Gordon goes all Hong Kong Phooey, it has a purpose (distract Capt. West long enough to trap him below the train), but this in no way stops it from being offensively dumb.

Very, very dumb.

Sir Kenneth Branagh joins the grand tradition of classically trained thespians hamming it up for fun and a big fat paycheck.

And how!

All three men have been very funny hamming it up in other material, but not here, dear God, not here!

PUNS!

As poor as those acting choices are, the real joke killer in this stinker is the script. The poor leads spend most of the movie looking trapped while reciting terrible dialogue.

“I won an Oscar and two Tonys, for fuck’s sake!”

This is the kind of movie that has lines like “no more Mr. Knife Guy” as the height of its wit. The kind of movie that has a German lip-reading expert named Ms. Lippenrieder. The kind of movie that has a character named Ms. East make “east meets west” references to Jim West not once, but twice!

Bai Ling? More like Bai Zing!

In her commendable takedown of this turdbucket, The Nostalgia Chick took note that Jim West and Dr. Loveless spend their every interaction being assholes to one another whilst making awful puns. Interactions between hero and villain are supposed to be Voltarian battles of wits. The result is often a movie that gets the tone right but still has corny lines in it (Commando or Men in Black are a couple of examples). But this film has lines like:

UGH!

Or…

You’re not helping either, Jimbo!

It makes me want to throw things at the screen. Here’s their whole dumb first exchange in case you want your day ruined.

The line that makes me groan audibly in disgust every time I watch this, however, is:

Are you fucking kidding me?

BOOBS!

One of the movie’s five screenwriters must have been the boob man. If he’d had his way, the flick would have been retitled Wild Wild Breast. The film has such a strange variety of gag boobs: you have Gordon’s hypno-boobs, used to interrogate “Bloodbath” McGrath, not to mention action boobs…

Boob Punch!

…copter boobs and fire boobs…

I… have no words…

…and don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten the kind used to communicate in Jim West’s native Africa (not Georgia).

Jim saying hello.

The boobsmith’s crowning “achievement” may be the scene on the train where Jim and Artie touch each other’s breasts. The scene is chock full of breast descriptors like “rusty cannons on a sunken ship” and a debate over whether buckwheat or water works better for filling fake breasts, with a little gay panic from Coleman the train driver for good measure. “I knew it,” he grouses after hearing Artie exclaim that he’s hard (it’s his buckwheat boob, bam-dum-chh). The one thing the scene lacks is laughter from the audience; not startling, really, as His Girl Friday it ain’t. It seems to have been included as fuel for slashfic writers.

Rule 34. You know they’re out there…

BUTTS!

I’ m not even sure what the writers’ thought process is with the butts. Is it just showing butts (the BOING factor), or is there some deeper punchline I’m missing?

She forgot to button something! Whoops!

They like the gag (or maybe just Hayek ass) so much that it gets repeated not five minutes later.

Lest you think I’m kidding.

This prompts Gordon to say:

He’s a breath of fresh sass.

At least West’s response of “let’s get some shut-ass” is in character, unlike his earlier fishy antics.

You may have noticed that I hadn’t mentioned Rita Escobar before showing her butt. The sad fact is that the film doesn’t give her character much else to do. Pretty much every female character in the movie is little more than eye candy (more on that later), as if Wild Wild West needed any more strikes against it.

Before we move on, I do have a confession to make. The scene in which Dr. Loveless’s henchwoman says, “I’ve got them square in my sights, sire,” to which Loveless responds, “As do I Munitia, as do I,” while staring fondly at her rump always gives me a chuckle, for which I am duly ashamed.

Very, very asshamed. Oh, goddammit movie!

DICKS!

I think one of the other screenwriters was in charge of all the dicks in the movie, and I’m not just talking about the characters.

Pictured: a dick.

Most prominently is Loveless’s “hard, pumping, and indefatigably steely” torture machine that ejaculates magnetic death discs. His cyborg henchmen have no dicks (or metal ones?), as West’s foot finds out the hard way (hah!). The doctor also implies he has a mechanical dick to become “more familiar” with Rita. Why did this get only a PG-13 again?

Pictured: a dick.

Will Smith’s dong in particular gets some screen time at the beginning (if you don’t blink) and is stared at by several henchmen. Loveless even refers to West as a “well-endowed blackamoor” (maybe he heard from the transfixed henchmen who were knocked out for staring).

Pictured: a… hat.

Of course, all the dick humor wouldn’t be complete without a blowjob gag courtesy of magnets.

What will Jada and Phoebe think, fellas?

I could go on in any of these categories… unfortunately. I may be shooting fish in a barrel, but I am stuck with a spoiled school of fish.

What you should watch instead of Wild Wild West: Gorillas pooping at the zoo.