I don’t have a distinct memory of first seeing Jim West, desperado et al; it was most likely at the Regal Falmouth 10 (then part of the Flagship Cinemas chain) which no longer exists. I may have seen it a couple of other times in the Summer of ‘99, I honestly can’t remember for sure. I do recall disliking the picture and being mildly disappointed as well. Young Adam had expected better from the director and star of Men in Black. I thought that would be the end of my association with Jon Peters’ giant spider movie.

See ya, fuckhead!

That was not to be.

A few years later, I was on a bus to Boston with my family and Wild Wild West was the movie playing on that trip. I’ve seen a few good movies on buses (Moneyball and The Young Victoria spring to mind) but most bus movies I’ve seen have been punishingly mediocre (Michael, The Wedding Planner, Mr. Popper’s Penguins). Wild Wild West was just straight-up bad and the bus viewing didn’t do a damn thing to change my mind on that score. I really felt I was done with Jim and Artie for good. It was the last time I saw the flick from beginning to end.

No more Will Smith dong shots for this guy!

Cut to July 2013.

I had agreed to join Cinema 52 (more on that later) and needed to pick movies for our readers to vote on for my year-long assignment. I had already settled on Romeo + Juliet and Daredevil and needed a third choice. I then remembered a conversation with now Ex-Cinemanaut Becca. She mentioned she had wanted to do a year of Westerns. I liked that idea and needed a movie I hated that would apply. My mind went to a certain Will Smith movie I loathed…

This one.

Like a bandit robbing a train, I liked Becca’s idea, so I stole it.

What do I think will happen as a result of hearing Kenneth Branagh’s hammy Southern accent 52 times?

1. I will like this movie, or I’m damn sure going to try! I’m a glass-half-full kinda fella and I endeavor to see the positive in any situation. Since I have to watch this clunker once a week, I’ll make an effort to find something to like about it.

2. I’m going to have a Rage Breaking Point! Probably towards the middle of the year. When I really can’t find any good in a movie, I get very twitchy and irritable and usually turn it off or try and leave. Since I won’t be able to do that, I’ll just devolve into a rage-filled mess and probably blame Bill a ton and contemplate quitting (but I won’t, because I gave my word).

3. I won’t think about the movie when I’m not watching it or writing about it. I’m usually busy and I don’t think it will invade my outside life. The exception will be the stupid theme song. Ever since I knew I was going to be assigned Wild Wild West, I get angry every time I hear it. I’m already irritated just by the opening riff of Stevie Wonder’s “I Wish” (the song Will Smith’s version samples), and having to hear it at least 52 time is only going to aggravate things.

4. Anything else I watch or read will have be good or great art. I will already be using up enough hours (sorry, Gene & Roger) of my life that I can’t get back watching this piece of dogshit.

See ya on the trail, cowpokes!