WHEN: 9:25 am EST, December 7th, 2013

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME

FORMAT:  DVD on a 19” AOC LED computer monitor/Digital Download on an iPhone 3




You know the scene. Grant and Ellie are using all their strength to keep the raptors from breaking into the computer room. Lex is hacking fumbling through files on the computer, trying to boot up the door locks. Tim is standing there like an idiot, grasping at his hair, and not handing Grant the shotgun.


Stop being a backseat browser and lend a hand!

“What a huge plot hole, why doesn’t Timmy just grab the gun?” “That kid’s so stupid, the gun’s right in front of him.” I’ve been hearing these arguments all year. But I don’t buy it. You see, Tim’s been through a lot in the last 24 hours. Let’s take a minute to go over some reasons why Hammond’s dinosaur-loving grandson is in no condition to jump to everyone’s rescue…


Tim’s day doesn’t start so badly. He gets to visit his grandfather’s wicked cool island. He meets one of his heroes (even if Grant is a total dick). He is one of only a handful of humans in the history of the planet to see a living, breathing Triceratops. Right now, this day must rank as one of the best in Timmy’s young life. Oh, how quickly things can change.


Enjoy this moment, Tim. Shit’s about to go down.

This is the high point on the emotional roller coaster that Tim has just been strapped into. If anything could make the traumatic series of events that are about to unfold any worse, it’s going into them from an already heightened emotional state.

So, now the shit hits the fan. The T-Rex arrives. The only adult in the car runs away. His sister gives away their location with a searchlight. And before Tim has time to process any of this, the only thing standing between him and grisly death is a thin sheet of Plexiglas.


From this angle it kind of looks like the world’s creepiest coffee table.

This is already enough to scar a guy for life, yet Tim’s weekend is just getting warmed up. The Rex flips the car over and crushes it like a tin can. Grant gets Lex out, but Tim cannot escape. Suddenly the Rex is back and the entire SUV is pushed off a cliff that appeared out of nowhere!

Being pushed off a cliff by a dinosaur that’s trying to kill you is terrible shit as it is, but how much worse would it be if you had no idea you were even near a cliff in the first place? Holy shit. Is it any surprise that Tim then vomits? Puking is super fun, even more so when your idol immediately shows up to see the aftermath.


Adding figurative insult to literal injury.

Oh, then the SUV falls on him. But no big, Tim is able to somehow access incredible reserves of pluck and shake the whole thing off. Within minutes he’s able to start hurling wisecracks at his sister. Goddammit, this kid should be everyone’s personal hero. Climbing another tree, he is able to catch a few well-deserved hours of sleep.

Come morning, things are going fine, until he gets stampeded by a herd of featherless ostriches from hell and witnesses one of them being violently disemboweled. As if this weren’t enough, our modern-day Job Jr. proceeds to get pumped full of enough electricity to resurrect Frankenstein’s monster.


Snap. Crackle. Pop.

Now things aren’t going so well. His eyes are glazed. He’s bleeding from the ears. His gait is wobbly. Lex is leading  him around by the hand. This kid is in serious need of immediate medical attention. Somehow he manages to shuffle around the kitchen while being pursued by Raptors and live to tell the tale, but it’s clear that he’s on his last legs.


Finally, we’re in the computer room. Everyone’s shouting. Lex is on the computer. Grant and Sattler are at the door. And Timmy doesn’t think to grab that gun. What kind of monster would you have to be, to blame poor Timmy for not having the wherewithal to solve this problem? In the last 24 hours he has been attacked, crushed, trapped, dropped from a cliff, he has vomited, had a car fall on him, been stampeded, electrocuted, and hunted. Excuse him for not having his full nine-year-old wits about him. He literally has to be carried out of the building. The moment he’s in the helicopter, he passes out. It’s amazing he survived this at all. He no doubt has years of therapy ahead of him. But, by all means, berate him for failing to pass a gun to someone.


Ok, you say, so Tim can’t be blamed for this. But Sattler should have asked Timmy to hand Grant the gun.

Do you really want to go through this again?

We have no indication that Sattler has had any sleep since she got to the island. Her stomach is probably full of Hammond’s melty ice-cream (God help her if she’s lactose intolerant). She’s seen the grizzled remains of two acquaintances. A severed arm falls on her, while she’s being attacked by the razor sharp claws of a Raptor. And now she’s separated from certain death, by just a few inches of steel.


A great time for making flash decisions, right?

I’m sure you’ve been through something similar, so you can judge, right?

Oh, what’s that? You haven’t?

Then stop insulting all these people who’ve been attacked by dinosaurs.

muldoon 1

Except Muldoon. That asshole really dropped the ball.