WHEN: 4:45pm EST, October 25th, 2013

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME

FORMAT:  DVD on a 24” Philips CRT television

COMPANY: None

PHYSICAL STATE: Cold, huddled under blankets in bed.

WHAT IF MALCOLM HAD DIED AND GENNARO HAD LIVED?:

Actors can get a little attached to their roles, and apparently Martin Ferrero (Donald Gennaro in Jurassic Park) was no exception. According to Jeff Goldblum, the actor felt that the movie would be better served if Malcolm died and Gennaro survived:

While Ferrero’s request to save Jurassic Park‘s fumbling lawyer is embarrassingly ridiculous, one can’t help but imagine the movie that might have been, had the lawyer lived and the chaotician died.

GennaroMalcolm

Only one can survive.

Below are nine ways switching out Malcolm for Gennaro might have made the movie a little cooler.

1) MALCOLM DYING MAKES MORE SENSE IN THE SITUATION:

It’s dark. It’s rainy. Gennaro’s hiding in a hut. Malcolm is running and holding a flare. So how in the world is it the feckless lawyer that gets chowed down upon?

GennaroHut

Who designed that bathroom? Buster Keaton?

Don’t try to tell me the Rex could smell Gennaro. Five seconds later it can’t smell Lex and Grant right in front of its nose. Malcolm was the one in the open. Malcolm is the one who should have gotten eaten.

2) MALCOLM WOULD DIE A HERO’S DEATH:

Malcolm has already made the vast majority of his contributions to the movie by this point. Take him out early, let him go out on a high note defending some kids. We don’t really need an hour of this:

MalcolmSexy

Many may argue that we do. But they’re not thinking about plot.

3) THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE:

To put it bluntly, no one expects the third-billed star to die an hour in.

Gennaro mirror

This guy, on the other hand, you don’t expect to last an hour.

4) PAYOFF FOR THE INVESTOR PLOT LINE:

A decent amount of screen time is devoted to exposition regarding the unseen investors who send Gennaro to investigate the island. With Gennaro’s death, the thread is completely dropped. But what happens once the park falls to pieces? Will the investors accept their loss, or will they succumb to greed and try to salvage their investment? Gennaro is the only character who might be able to give us any insights on that front.

SattlerBodyIdentification

Too bad he spends the rest of the movie as a fleshy jigsaw puzzle.

5) GENNARO’S SHAME:

Hammond left his grandchildren in Gennaro’s care, but the cowardly lawyer abandoned them to an unknown fate.

TimLexAbandoned

Not cool Gennaro, not cool.

How neat would it be to see Hammond chew the lawyer out for this? And how would Gennaro redeem himself? Would he go forward as a hero? Or would he wallow in his shame? Either way, it’s sure to be more interesting than Malcolm’s smarmy refrain of “I told you so.”

6) GENNARO/MULDOON TEAM-UP:

If you’ve read the book, you may know what I’m talking about. There’s an amazing scene where Gennaro drives Muldoon around in a Jeep, while the hunter drinks heavily and tries to take out the T-rex with a rocket launcher. It’s about the coolest thing ever. The fact that we never got to see it on the big screen is a crime.

muldoon 3

Pictured: The closest we get to seeing Muldoon in action.

7) GENNARO VS. RAPTORS:

As cool as it is to see him gulped down by the Rex, Martin Ferrero’s face is too expressive to die this quickly. Remember how Grant describes the slow process of a raptor eating someone while they’re still alive? I want to see that pain acted out by by this face:

Gennaro Lightning

“Eeeee! Gow! Ah!!! Let go of my intestines!”

8) GENNARO GETS TO SHOW OFF THEM LEGS:

Self-explanatory.

GenneroLegs2

Pictured: Them legs.

9) NO THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK:

I’ve previously voiced my opinion that Malcolm is a horrible choice to star in a sequel, and he certainly wouldn’t have been able to had he died in the jaws of the Rex.

MalcolmLWYawn

Yawn.

So, yeah, maybe Martin Ferrero had a point.