WHEN: 9:45am EST, June 22nd, 2013

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME

FORMAT:  DVD on a 24” Philips CRT television


MENTAL STATE: Sick, tired, sore throat.


Everything has fallen to shit. The dinosaurs are loose. The grandchildren are likely dead. The ice cream is melting. It’s time to think back on how everything went wrong.


Time to unburden your worries on the paleobotanist you recently almost killed.

Hammond sits down with Sattler and they have a bizarre little exchange. Hammond tells her about how he used to bilk people with his mechanical flea circus, but how now he wants to show them something real, something “not devoid of merit.” Sattler then replies with perhaps the worst piece of advice you can give a dinosaur-creating megalomaniac:

“You can’t think through this one, John, you have to feel it.”


There is nothing wrong with emotion. We all have it. We all incorporate it into our everyday lives. But there are times when emotion shouldn’t serve as our guide. Sometimes we need our wits about us. I’d venture to say that a life and death tactical situation with a half dozen lives in the balance would be one of those times.

See, when you get emotional, you sometimes make rash decisions. Decisions like turning off the power to your entire island, despite having never tried it before. But what are the chances that you would make a decision like that…



Another problem with following your emotions is that sometimes it blinds you to the good advice of your friends. Perhaps they would tell you that shutting down the system, and thereby sentencing everyone to a mind-numbing horror of a death, would be a poor idea.


Perhaps they’d advise a calm, orderly holding of the butts.

Yet, despite good advice, you let your emotions take over. You refuse all advice. You go with your gut. You flip the fuck out.

Evil Hammond

What’s that in those eyes? (Hint: It’s emotion.)

Maybe if you’d been a little cooler, you might have thought things over. Perhaps you would have decided that it might be a good idea to have someone ready by the breakers, just in case the power didn’t come back on by itself. It’s possible the raptors might never have gotten out. Who can say?


Certainly not Mr Arnold, who now has no butt to hold.


Am I saying that Sattler’s advice to follow his feelings lead directly to Hammond’s terrible terrible decision to shut down the system? No. He might have done that anyway. But it was still a really really stupid thing to say. I mean really, Sattler, do you follow your feelings when you dig up fossilized plants? I sure hope not. I hope you meticulously and carefully uncover them using tried and true techniques. But I can see how preventing ravenous beasts from tearing everyone apart might require a more emotional approach.

Fuck you.


Oh. Wait. I guess I’m getting kind of emotional about this.


Never mind. Forget I said anything.