Hey, what the– ? Did you still not buy a gift for your friend who likes Top Gun? You do realize it’s a bit late in the game, right?

I told you what not to buy. Repeatedly. No Zen books written by surfing jet pilots, no boring-ass Game Cube knock-off games, and no movies that center their action around paintball and/or France. I don’t know how I can help you here.

Even if you ordered something perfect, it wouldn’t arrive in time, unless it could be sent to you THROUGH THE INTERNET. That doesn’t happen. This isn’t Tron. You can’t just Tron things through a Tron.

You can’t just give someone Jeff Bridges. That is slavery. We do not endorse that.

Okay, what if you Netflixed something through a Netflix? Would that work? Okay, look I have an idea. An idea I haven’t planned out very well. An idea so poorly conceived, I don’t even have time to check it for spelling errors. (This is where a fake misspelling would go, but I respect you too much to even pretend that I suck.) If you’re going to wait until the last minute, so can I, chump.

Click this. No, really. It’s cool. There are no boobs. For boobs, check out the Top Guns porno. But it’s not boob o’clock yet! What it’s time for is a bitchin’ gift that involves the Navy, and that link will take you to the order page for Carrier, an incredible ten-part Emmy-winning documentary that shows you what life aboard an aircraft carrier is really like. Hurry up and order it. Get the fast shipping. NOW.

If you’ve followed my instructions, this is already careening towards your face.

Okay, you’ve successfully spent $29.99, plus, I’m assuming, $83.00 for shipping? Excellent. Carrier is available for Instant Streaming on Netflix. You’re going to watch the first– hey, HEY, what? No, you shut up. Suggesting something on Netflix is not a goddamn present. You will give them the DVD when it arrives. It’s all you can do. Now, when your nephew/uncle/wife/uncle-wife gets to your place for holiday romping, you’re going to serve them a glass of eggnog and plant yourself in front of one of the most entertaining and emotionally charged reality shows that the two of you have ever seen.

Watch a couple of episodes. Do they like it? They’d better. I loved it. It’s one of the best docs I’ve seen this year. It’s like a real Top Gun. Because it’s real. Real drama. Real danger. Want a word other than “real”? There’s no time.

Timecop. Whatever. KEEP GOING.

In case you’re afraid that all those raw feelings and tense situations will be too stressful for your own personal Goose, maybe they want a laugh. Comedy comes from the familiar made absurd. Del Close said that. Or Ray Liotta. Doesn’t matter. Since your pally knows Top Gun inside and out, why not have a bunch of guys talk over the movie? No, not you and your Frisbee golf buddies. The people from Rifftrax. They’re professionals.

Kevin Murphy was busy. Don’t be picky.

You can download the audio track right here. And you should. No shipping, because you Tron it to your personal desktop Timecop, and it’s only $3.99. These Rifftrax guys don’t half-ass the wisecracks and the chucklejabs. Did you know that John Stockwell (Cougar) directed Blue Crush? They do, and there is a joke about it. That’s insane. Literally the only people who know that should be me. Via osmosis. Because I’ve been watching Top Gun every week since January 1, 2012 even though I do not like it very much OH MY GOD THE YEAR IS ALMOST OVER.

Anyway, it’s funny. I laughed a lot. John just kind of sat there, but that’s a story for another time. I can’t really tell you any more, because describing comedy is like sculpting dreams; nobody should start something they can’t start again. Andy Dick said that.

So there. Carrier and Rifftrax, available pretty quick for pretty much nothing. And perfect for a person you claim to love, yet do not give much forethought to, who enjoys Top Gun.

Now leave me alone. I get to stop talking about Top Gun in less than a week and I can practically taste this Saturday.