WHEN: 3:05am EST, December 15th, 2012

WHERE: In the living room of my apartment in Portland, ME (Isla Nublar)

FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV


PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Eating cereal. Groggy.

REACTIONS WITHOUT NOTES: Yup. I put the notebook away for this one.

For this viewing, I just watched. I just looked straight on and tried to pay attention, and honestly… there’s no movie there. It isn’t there. A TV that’s off and a TV playing Top Gun are starting to feel the same.

Eerily, Cinemanaut Ty and I hit this exact same point in the same week. He compared watching the same movie over and over to a mindless job or a dying relationship. You may remember that I didn’t seem this dejected in my last two or three Top Gun viewings, but that’s because I was doing what you do in a shitty relationship: try to spice it up. I had her throw on a little something extra (open matte full screen), I tried a threesome (watching Back to the Future at the same time), and I got with some new ladies young and old that reminded me of her (Wings and Red Tails). But when I am with her, all alone, the two of us… there’s nothing. There’s just somebody else in my house.

Hey, honey. No, how was your day?

Hey, wait, and Cinemanaut John took his movie to meet his mom… oh God.

We married these movies.

We used to be young guys who brought home all the cinematic booty. Sometimes we’d go all night. Americans, Asians, Europeans, you name it. Some were smart. Some were funny. Some were just insane. Hey, even a bad session’s better than nothing, right?

We bought the Blu-Ray when we could borrow it for free.

Okay, enough comparing things to sex (a phrase you will rarely hear from me, so treasure it). Let’s just say that if I’m only watching my movie, no bells and whistles, the phone and the laptop start looking pretty good. I had to fight the temptation repeatedly. You could argue the tassels and the handcuffs aren’t true to the spirit of this experiment, but honestly, you couldn’t watch your movie more than seven or eight times without it becoming a blank spot in your mind. I need to count all the Tom Cruise blinks or how many times a certain word is said just to keep my eyes pointed at the screen. It’s maddening. It just feels less maddening when I watch it in a canoe.

Wait, I haven’t done that yet! This could be the camping trip that saves the whole thing!

These two have tried everything.