WHEN: 7:42pm EST, September 21st, 2012

WHERE: A bus stop, a bus, and Slainte Wine Bar and Lounge in Portland, ME

FORMAT: iTunes digital copy on my iPhone 4S (Awesome Andy), wearing Sony clip-on earbuds.

COMPANY: Small crowd at the bar, but nobody watching with me.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Just had a turkey club sandwich and a lemonade. Shitty day at work. Excited for the weekend to start. Kicking out the post-work victory jams prior to viewing. Been sexiled for part of the evening, hence the mobile viewing. Oh, also, been awake since 2am. Let’s rock.


  • The bus arrived 14 minutes in, after the dramatic opening and Cougar turning in his wings. I felt like I watched a great short film right before hopping on the bus. Unfortunately, there is more movie.
  • Watching motorcycle scenes in a moving vehicle is kind of cool.
  • I vaguely remember my dad describing the “hit the brakes” scene from Top Gun to me when I was a kid; he did this visually using one of my Lego spaceships and a DeLorean McDonald’s toy from Back to the Future: The Animated Series. My dad would often describe movie scenes to me instead of just showing me the actual movies. Do you have kids? Don’t do this.
  • Got off the bus exactly when Goose says, “Truckmaster.”
  • Got to the bar right when the volleyball scene started. There were DJs spinning in the back, so I pushed the ear buds in deep. I realized just how loose they had been the whole time. As I was blasted by Kenny Loggins, Ian (the owner and bartender) gave me a Rolling Rock and asked zero questions about the shirtless men on my phone.
  • David Lynch may have been right about watching a movie on your iPhone… in a crowded, public setting. But at home, I don’t see a problem.
  • First time I noticed the Fightertown Operations sign when they pick up Carole. That’s a bitchin’ phrase. Band name? Improv troupe? Tropical island home where I write all my spy fiction?

How it looked on an iPhone.

  • I’m afraid the sex scene will be the moment that somebody asks what I’m watching. I’ve already lucked out on the volleyball; the odds are not on my side.
  • There’s a ’70s throwback hipster stud across from me at the bar. Alone. “Take My Breath Away” seems like a good anthem for him.
  • Once in a while, the bass from the DJs shakes my balls. Paired with footage from the training sequences, it’s almost like a flight simulator.
  • I’m waiting for the DJs (despite being all the way on the other side of the place) to shoot me a “you’re watching a fucking movie right now?” glance. And they would be justified.
  • Another Rolling Rock.
  • It should be noted that this is a bar I told jokes at weekly before my life became full of things like overtime and Movie Science and girlfriends. Kind of weird being back. I should write some material that isn’t about Val Kilmer at some point.
  • A guy asked me if I could break a ten while Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis were sucking face on a motorcycle. My balls were tingly.
  • Goose makes a couple “wow, that was some clunky exposition” faces. See: when he announces the score right before he dies.

Do an eye roll! Press Z or R twice!

  • The bartender put a DVD on the TV over the bar. As soon as “YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A HANDBAG” came up, I knew the DVD was not Top Gun. It was Ong-bak. I have never had another movie in my peripheral vision for a viewing before, especially one I wanted to watch. Must resist temptation.
  • Ian tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Hey, check out the cool kung fu movie!” Wish I could, sir. Wish I could.
  • Boooooring! Sorry. Boring parts are boring. Did I just apologize for taking a note?
  • I’m just now realizing… why are Charlie and Perry (yes, I know the name of the guy we see for two fucking shots in the bar scene) meeting to talk paperwork in such a noisy place? To understand dumb decisions in a movie, you must become dumb decisions.
  • For some reason, I think they reused a shot from the opening at the end. One of the IP guys doing the rolly arms. Um, that’s a drunk note. No, it isn’t.
  • Okay, just because the DJs seem to be starting up something dubsteppy… would they update the music for Top Gun 2, or keep it ’80s? I wonder the same thing about Lethal Weapon 5.
  • Becca was right. There are tits on a locker. She noticed this last viewing.

If you’ve never seen a breast before, spoiler alert.

  • Fucking credits. Time for another Rolling Rock.
  • Somebody asked me when the bar closes during the credits. I think one?

Don’t watch movies on a phone in a bar.

My hands feel huge. Probably because I was just holding an entire television screen in them, graaaaaaaah!