WHEN: 9:31am on April 4th, 2012
WHERE: My apartment in Portland ME, commonly known as Alderaan.
FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 47″ LCD HDTV
COMPANY: My own decaying mind.
PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Fine. I baked an egg in an avocado. That was pretty neat.
REACTIONS OF NOTE:
- I am so glad to watch this before work. It doesn’t make me feel rushed at all.
- I think other ladies died when the crane attacked the models but no one cares because Gwen Stacy is safe.
- God, Eddie Brock is just vomit that has been stuck in my mouth for months.
- Eddie Brock is the Doritos that are stuck in the corner of the bottom of the bag *if* those Doritos decided to go to open mic night at the comedy club and be terrible.
- If we are working off of food analogies, Flint Marko is like mayonnaise.
- This movie is so fab, you guys.
Okay, do you fuckers know how difficult it is to schedule watching a movie once a week? Seriously, pick up any issue of Ladies Quarterly or Periods Aficionado or How To Lose Weight While Eating Cake. They will all say, “Tired of running around like crazy trying to balance work, school, and family on your treadmill while roasting asparagus and doing yoga at the same time?” I mean, for me, personally, it is trying to not be so depressed after a day of work that I work up the effort to do anything but order tacos and watch scratchy videos of nihilistic comedians on YouTube and wait for my boyfriend to come home so we can drink whiskey and complain. But as I understand, many people also have the problem of simply not having enough hours in the day! (Amiright?)
Also, I like watching movies. I put them on in order to fall asleep, I try to watch three or four new ones a week, not to mention the shows I am catching up on *and* the amount of time I spend organizing my notes on these movies. On top of that, I also really like comic books, and I like to spend some time every couples of days hammering through some issues. ON TOP OF THAT, I really like drinking and dancing and doing that every couple of nights. ON TOP OF THAT AND THAT AND THAT, I’ve been playing more elaborate board games that take up a lot of time. And also, sex!
So listen up, starving children in Africa, because I have got some perspective for *YOU*: just imagine having to fit watching Spider-Man 3 once a week into your busy schedule (of not eating). You simply could not overcome that obstacle. That would be the one obstacle in your life that you would have to mark as “insurmountable.”
So, what I am trying to say to you is, no, I didn’t think of a *fun game* to play while watching Spider-Man 3, which I said I would not three days ago. Life is too wretched and terrible for that.
But next time, I promise, I will have turned around. I will be eating right, exercising, budgeting weekly. I’ll be comfortable and not drink too much, eating well, getting along better with my co-workers. Sleeping well, no bad dreams. Never washing spiders down the plughole. Writing complex, detailed articles that look for all of the moments in Spider-Man 3 that are uniquely Sam Raimi’s but are too produced in the new film to have any of that real B-movie Raimi sincerity.
That’s next week. For now, I am going to work.