WHEN: 8:30pm EST, March 3, 2012

WHERE: My apartment, Alderaan

FORMAT: DVD on a Vizio 47″ LCD HDTV

COMPANY: My brother Matt, our friend Nathan

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Tired from a day of work, full from eating burgers


  • That opening music is too loud. It makes me want to hide under the couch.
  • Why would young Rob and Allison Ashmore be making out under those bleachers, when there are probably mice to be hunted?
  • Good thing Rob doesn’t have fur, he would get so wet in that rain.

My brother does not like High Fidelity. But he has now had to watch it twice this year because of me. So in order to convince him to watch it a third time, I told him that he could choose how I analyze the movie this week. And that is why I watched High Fidelity as if I were a cat.

Now give me some bacon.

He asked me, if I were a cat:

What ledge would I most want to perch on?

Which character would I want to live with?

Which character would I most want to receive a bowl of milk from?

Whose legs are most rub-up-against-able?

Whose lap would I want to sit in?

Who would I most want to have sex with, as a cat?

Wait? What was that last one? I asked my brother for an explanation, but there was none to be had.

So let it begin:

The best places to perch as a cat:

Two locales popped out at me as places I would potentially want to hang out as a cat: Rob’s apartment and Championship Vinyl.

Rob’s apartment has many shelves but they are really very high. That is all very well for lording over all I see, but they are fairly exposed. I like things to hide behind and watch what people are doing. He has a lot of comfortable chairs, but none of them are in the sun. It is a very appealing apartment, but not quite my cup of tuna.

Championship Vinyl, as a fairly unsuccessful business, is an ideal place for me to be a business cat. I can stalk around, and impress the customers, until I don’t feel like doing so anymore, at which point I can go into the back room and lounge on that comfortable couch, or sit on these shelves:

Insert Cat Stevens joke if you want.

Also, and this one is a real clincher, Championship Vinyl has this chair, which is right in the sun. Perfect. I can sit there, and if Dick or Barry try to come over and sit in the chair, I can hiss at them until they go away.

And I could bat at those records hanging there…

But who would I want as a companion in this life as a cat? Well, I’ve made lists of the best and worst options, from my new feline perspective.

The Best Person to Live with as a Cat:

#3 – Rob Gordon

As a human, I find Rob unpleasant and assholish, but as a cat, I find him quite acceptable. He spends hours on end sitting in chairs listening to music. When, as he frequently does, he speaks to no one in particular about his romantic troubles, or his thoughts on this or that subject, he is calm in tone. The guy is low-key. He is not going to pat me too much, but he will respond positively when I do want some attention. On the downside, he is frequently wet from being out in the rain; I’m not into that. He sometimes flips out and throws things, at which point I would have to hide under the couch. No thanks. I do give him the award for Person I Would Most Want to Sit on the Lap of. But there are better options for this cat.

#2 – Penny Hardwick

Penny is nice. I have no need to fear random violence from her. Also, since Rob’s rejection of her/her subsequent sexual experience gave her an aversion to sex, I suspect that there will not be a bunch of men coming over to the house all the time. I can have all the attention I want. As a movie reviewer, I can expect that she will be out quite a bit, giving me plenty of alone time too. A nice combination, with a nice lady. Pretty good. But she is socially responsible, and is almost guaranteed to neuter me, and keep me in the house all the time. Not so good. So she just wins my Person I Would Most Want to Receive a Saucer of Milk From award.

#1 – Sarah Kendrew

Now here we have a true cat lady in the making. Emotionally needy, on medication, out of work. I’m on board. She is always going to be around. Always. Her house is a little cluttered, so there are places for me to hang out if I want to hang out at any given time. She doesn’t have her shit together, so the chance of me getting my cat balls removed is greatly reduced. Also, her house is fairly sunny. I cannot express how important sun coming in the windows is. Find a warm spot and lay there for hours? Yes. I believe I will. Downsides? I suppose there is an off chance she might pull a cat-murder/suicide on me if her life gets too depressing. But that is a risk I am willing to take.

The Worst People to Live with as a Cat

#3 – Ian

With Ian it is certain that I will be neutered. He has lots of nice things to knock off his shelves, but I am pretty certain he would not take kindly to it. He always eats salads, which means no tasty scraps. I don’t think cats like incense, and Ian would totally always be using incense. I’m out.

#2 – Vince and Justin

They would probably put a firecracker in my mouth just for kicks. No thanks, little skate-fuckers.

#1 – Charlie

As Rob has noted, Charlie is awful. She is pretentious and unpredictable. The shit she might pull to ruin my life is unlimited. She might dress me up in a tiny tuxedo for the amusement of her party guests. I doubt she would like me eating her plants. She would undoubtedly have me neutered because proper care of animals is in right now. I am sure she would make my life long and miserable in most every way.

And now for that one really bizarre question…

Who I would most want to have sex with as a cat:

Marie DeSalle.