Worst Live Action Disney 52

THE OBJECTIVE: Watch the 52 worst live action Disney movies, one every week, in 2015.

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN (1994)

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Oh boy. Lindsay Lohan playing a drama queen? This must be insipid. What? It’s kind of alright? Okay, if you say so. Here goes whatever.

THE STORY:
Mary Steppe (Lindsay Lohan) is a typical teenager covering up her insecurities with a shiny veneer of drama and affected self-confidence. Distraught about moving to New Jersey, she has started lying about her past and taken to using the name “Lola.” For comfort she turns to Sidarthur, the band she’s obsessed with.

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And whose lead singer she has a terrifyingly large poster of.

She becomes friends with Ella (Alison Pill), a plucky but unpopular kid in her class.

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Alison Pill kind of steals every scene she’s in, by the way.

She also battles a bunch of mean girls (led by Megan Fox) to try to get a part in Eliza Rocks!, her high school’s reimagining of Pygmalion.

ConfessionsOfAMeanGirl

Regina George she is not.

But, things are not all rosy, as Lola’s tendency to exaggerate and lie in order to make herself look interesting is threatening to undermine her relationships with the very people she’s trying to impress.

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Not an accurate representation of Lola’s life.

And it turns out that musician who’s the subject of her hero worship is just a sad drunk asshole.

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Also probably high.

Whatever will Lola do? Well, that’s the question, I guess. And like most teenage drama queens, she discovers that the answer is just “deal with the shit in your life.” So she does.

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The end.

THE SUBTEXT:
If you’re having a hard time in high school, just be honest with the people you care about and you’ll make it through.

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Aww.

What, were you expecting more? This movie isn’t bad, but it isn’t deep either. If you want something in the same vein that’s more substantial, go watch Mean Girls.

WHY DON’T PEOPLE LIKE IT?:
While there’s really nothing wrong with Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, there isn’t anything designed to appeal to audiences outside of the teen demographic that it’s very clearly aiming at. So while it certainly doesn’t warrant any hate, I am in no way surprised at the lack of love it gets. And to be honest, it has some stylistic elements that are incredibly off-putting out of context.

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I mean, would you believe me if I told you this man was hurtling to his death?
It is very odd.

And while Lohan’s performance is generally very good, there are moments where you can sense that she is on the verge of turning into the terror-diva she eventually morphed into, and that can be kind of jarring.

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She’s about to get fully loaded.

But you know, there are upsides as well. I know I mentioned it before, but pretty much every time Alison Pill shows up, fun is had.

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She’s a hoot!

I really think that if this film hadn’t been so closely followed by Mean Girls (which was released just two months later), it might have been remembered more kindly. While Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen was trying to win over its audience, “fetch” happened.

MOST REGRETTABLE MOMENT:
You know, there really isn’t anything particularly regrettable in this film, so I’ll just leave you with this GIF of a disconcerting balloon belly full of Lindsay Lohan.

Confessions of a Lohan Belly

Yep. Okay. Moving on.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
If you’re a fan of teen drama movies, there’s nothing wrong with Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. If not, there’s really no reason for you to check it out. It’s not quite dull, but neither is it a laugh riot. Wish there was more to say, but sometimes a competently made movie just leaves you without anything to tear into. Come back next week to see Herbie do some NASCAR shit.

NEXT WEEK:
Herbie Fully Loaded (2005)