WHEN: October 31, 2014, 12:41pm. (Week 44, October 26-November 1.)
WHERE: In the living room of my apartment in Portland, ME.
FORMAT: Blu-ray on a Vizio 47″ LCD HDTV, time code on.
PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Sleepy, a little chilly, poetic?
THE PEN IS MIGHTIER:
In my ongoing efforts to stay focused on The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring despite having watched it every week for almost ten months now, I am down to some pretty… eccentric gimmicks. Many of them are rehashes of ideas I used two years ago to make it through 52 weeks of Top Gun. One of those ideas was to write a stream-of-consciousness poem while watching the film. That was tolerable at best, because Top Gun is only two hours.
Two exciting but ultimately tiring hours.
Well, Fellowship is three. So welcome to the longest Cinema 52 article anyone has ever written. I’m sorry. This is what I wrote exactly as I wrote it while I watched The Fellowship of the Ring. I added some links. But no pictures. Enjoy?
“ODE TO THE FELLOWSHIP”:
New Line Cinema swooping in.
It’s time for Fellowship to begin.
The screen is black and Cate is talking
as a preface to the walking.
Here’s the title, light a fire,
here are Rings you all desire.
Check ‘em out, Dwarves, aren’t they neat?
Uh oh, Men have grumpy feet. (???)
Sauron made a master ring
(I already regret this whole damn thing.)
Map is burning, people scream.
This battle scene is quite extreme.
Arrows fly and swords go clang,
Elrond’s lookin’ sexy, dang.
Stop the goblins, beat the orcs.
Enjoy your Tolkien movie, dorks.
Holy shit, a giant club!
Sauron’s gonna kill you, bub.
Oops, there go his fingers, shit.
Guess it’s time for him to quit.
Take his jewelry like a thief.
Something something something queef.
Dead guy floating in a river,
Ring has Gollum all aquiver.
“Precious” he has named this trinket.
This flick needs a little Plinkett.
Hey, when do we start this show?
Get to our protagonist, yo.
Here comes Bilbo, he’s our guy.
Just kidding, it’s Frodo, cheeky lie.
Read a book beside a tree.
Is that my wizard friend? Tee hee!
We do this joke when Gandalf’s late.
Death is soon to be his fate.
(But not really, I guess? That’s in Two Towers.)
Fuck, I’m typing for three whole hours?
Look at the Shire, it’s so pretty.
These effects don’t look so shitty.
Talk in a cart, talk in a cart.
Eventually this movie will start.
Hobbit kids! Aren’t they cute?
This must have been a lengthy shoot.
Away goes Frodo, see you later.
Bilbo is a party hater.
Come inside my circle door.
Want some tea? Or maybe more?
Watch your head, you giant dude.
Leave my maps alone, that’s rude.
I’ll make eggs if that’s alright.
Mmm, this cheddar has some bite.
Blah blah blah, I’ll finish my book.
Explore Middle-earth, have a look.
Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk…
It’s even more boring than walk walk walk.
PIPE WEED, HOMIE, LIGHT THAT SHIT,
make a smoke-boat with your hit.
Birthday time! Let’s be all festive.
Hmm, fucked myself into a corner on that one. Uhhh, fuck it.
Story time! Trolls! Oh my!
Hey, stay out of the fireworks, guy.
Merry, Pippin, you little hooligans.
Nope, I can’t in good conscience rhyme that with “dragons.”
Do some dishes, make a speech.
“Hobbits are the best,” you preach.
Bilbo’s clearly fucking wasted,
I wonder how that big cake tasted.
Time for ‘bo to disappear,
(he pulls this bullshit every year).
Run back to your little hole,
and grab your favorite walking pole.
Uh oh! Gandalf, he’s not happy.
Give him the Ring, and make it snappy!
Bilbo, dude, you’re acting weird.
You’re Golluming, just like we feared!
Drop that little golden fucker.
I don’t conjure cheap tricks, sucker!
Give the Ring to Elijah Wood
and don’t come back! Ya got it? Good.
Holy shit, it’s in your pocket!
Out the door, don’t make me lock it!
End your book and hit the road,
it’s Frodo’s turn to share the load.
AGH! The Ring! It has an eye!
I’ll have to think this over, guy.
Okay, Frodo, hide it well.
I’ll get on my horse and ride like hell.
Keep it secret, keep it safe.
Oof, this robe, sometimes it chafes. (Fuck you.)
Shire! Baggins! Scary horses!
Someone’s stirring evil forces!
Time to hit the wizard library.
To learn why jewelry is scary.
Let’s recap the backstory AGAIN.
Fuck. Just fuck. So boring. Goddammit.
Uh oh! Nazgul! Out to find you!
BLAH! Gandalf is right behind you!
Throw that envelope in the fire.
No, the temperature isn’t higher.
Do you see some glowing words?
Yes! Uh oh, release my turds!
This is the Ring that rules them all.
Let’s sit down and recap it all.
HOLY FUCK, just go on your quest.
Show an explosion, or maybe a breast?
This movie is boring! Just make something happen!
So far, just the set design nerds are all fappin’!
STOP SAYING STUFF THAT WE ALREADY KNOW.
BOX UP THAT RING AND THEN GO, FUCKING GO.
Don’t tempt me, Frodo, for I’m much too strong.
YOU handle this. (What a kick in the dong.)
You go to Bree, and don’t use your real name.
Is somebody eavesdropping? What the hell? Lame.
Sam, you dumb shit! We were giving exposition.
And now you find yourself in a useful position.
You will join Frodo for all of his hike.
And now comes the part that you really won’t like.
Gandalf won’t come! He’s got shit to do.
Looks like you chaps are an army of two.
Time to leave home, Sam, so suck it up, man.
Meanwhile, Gandalf says, “Hi, Saruman!”
Make sure you recap the plot a fifth time.
Saruman thinks weed is slowing your mind.
Join him inside his big dark creepy tower.
(It’s been 40 minutes?? Sure feels like an hour.)
Whoa, a palantír! I wouldn’t do that!
FWASH! I just saw the eye of a cat!
Hey, are you evil? That’s not cool at all!
Time for a magical elderly brawl!
SWOOP! BOI-OI-ING! (Other noises slapsticky.)
Saruman duel-wields the wizard staffs, tricky!
Go to the roof, ‘dalf, I’ll check on your later.
Frodo and Sam in a crop full of taters.
Merry! And Pippin! What’s up? Come along!
Stealing from Maggot? That shit is just wrong.
Run away, gang, but look out for the cliff!
Nice! Some shrooms to go with a spliff.
Get off the road! Hide under this tree!
A dark hooded fucker will chase us to Bree!
Help us out, Pippin! Join the team, Merry!
Let’s all dash to the Bucklebury Ferry!
So long, sucker, horses don’t work on water!
Let’s go to Bree to delay our own slaughter.
Hello, gate guy, let us out of the rain.
Don’t mind our business, bro, don’t be a pain.
Hi, Peter Jackson, enjoying your carrot?
You made this movie and now I must bear it.
Welcome, little masters, this pony’s a-prancin’!
Gandalf? Don’t know him. Does he look like Ted Danson?
Wait, pointy hat guy! Ain’t seen him for months.
Oof. “Months.” Can’t rhyme that.
Kitties and ferrets and ale and great food.
Look in the corner, who’s that creepy dude?
Strider? Whatever, mmm, check out the Ring.
It wants me to put it on, oops, here’s the thing:
I fell and it’s on and now everything’s blurry.
This Eye won’t shut up; take it off in a hurry.
Strider is worried, he’s here to help out.
In barges Sam with a heart oh-so-stout.
Uh oh! The Ringwraiths! They flattened the gate guy!
Butterburr looks like he’s about to cry.
Stabbin’ at beds, hey, wait, they’re not here!
They’re next door, asleep, but now huddled in fear.
Strider will take you all into the wild,
“Elves! Yippeee!” says Sam like a child.
Here’s comes the bit about breakfast, hooray.
(Sarcasm heavily implied, by the way.)
Saruman’s planning to build an orc army.
If I were Frodo, he’d sure want to harm me. (Ugh.)
Gandalf is cold in the chilly night air.
Time for an eagle? Not yet. Look down there.
Rippin’ down trees because trees are so dumb.
See Amun Sul? Look how far we’ve come.
Exactly one hour, a third’s been completed.
Unless you think typing means somehow I’ve cheated.
Drop the soup, Sam, and go run to the top.
Frodo shall wield his sword bravely, oops, *drop*
Well, fuck, I guess this is time to surrender.
Frodo’s shoulder meat’s looking tender.
Hand off the Ring, you short little shit.
Oh, you’d rather have yourself a fit?
STAB, motherfucker, that’ll teach you to resist.
Strider! Oh, damn, son, that Ranger looks pissed!
Fire in the face! Go fuck yourself, Nazgul!
We’ve got to cure Fro’ from this blade made (in/of) Morgul.
Lonely old wizard is talking to bugs.
Freshly birthed Uruk-hai don’t get no hugs.
Look at these monsters, they’re ready to kill.
Frodo is struck with a terrible chill.
Sam, let’s lean on your knowledge of plants.
Never mind, Strider found that kingsfoil in advance.
Arwen! So pretty! But also badass!
I’m glad they made time in this flick for a lass.
For now, though, she glows, like a pretty princess.
Ick, Frodo’s poison sure looks like a mess.
Carry this halfling to go see your dad.
And don’t die; there’s much royal sex to be had.
Ride hard, ooh, check out this helicopter shot.
I doubt the cinematography Oscar was bought.
Look out for Ringwraiths, oh fuck, there’s a branch!
Is your favorite Golden Girl Rose? ‘Cuz mine’s Blanche.
If you want this Hobbit, you better come claim him!
That head wraith is stupid, but hey, can you blame him?
It’s not every day that a river turns equine,
but hey, they’re immortal, they’re probably all fine.
Hello, Elrond, thanks for curing me, dawg.
I’m kind of awake but my mind is a fog.
Gandalf! Hello! Tell us all the B plot!
Where was your ass back at Bree? You forgot?
Ohhh, Saruman, he trapped you, that turd.
You’re lucky that moth knows a really big bird.
Welcome to Rivendell, isn’t it nice?
These gigantic models will make you look twice.
All of my friends! And my uncle is old!
Here’s a transcript of the tale that he told!
Blah blah blah blah, here’s some dialogue filler.
Half of this movie is hardly a thriller.
Sam, you’re my friend, let’s go back to the Shire.
Ugh, more backstory?? You are drawing my ire!
Please, by all means, tell us all of Isildur!
I’m sure the third time will be less of a bore!
Hey! It’s Sean Bean! And Orlando Bloom too!
Along with one fourth of the main Sliders crew.
Flashbacks, more flashbacks, is this in the book?
If the pacing is better, it merits a look.
Strider is chillin’, Sean Bean gets a prick.
Maybe don’t handle exhibits, you dick?
Pick up the sword, contemplate your ancestry.
Here comes Arwen, can you play with her breasteries?
No! It is time to speak only of love
In archaic terms that this movie can shove.
Bind yourself to this hunk of a man.
Turn yourself mortal as fast as you can.
Time for the Council, oh God, can I nap?
I can’t keep my eyes opened up for this crap.
Gimli! You fool! Now your ax is destroyed!
This movie is one that I’d like to avoid.
One does not simply [ugh, Internet meme].
All of the Council is starting to scream.
Frodo hears voices and says, “Hey, I’ll do it!
I don’t know the way and I’m weak, but ah, screw it!
Gimme that Ring and I’ll toss it in lava!”
Here’s a link to the films of Mario Bava.
I’d rather watch those than a trip to Mt. Doom.
Hell, I’ll watch Plan Nine or even The Room.
Good luck, nine companions, and don’t forget to write!
Here, take this sword, it will glow when you fight!
Mmm, hello, Ring, it’s been a long while…
Give it here, Frodo, GRAAAH, I’M A PEDOPHILE!
Time for the score to blast all in your face.
New Zealand looks like a beautiful place.
Let’s make camp and practice our swords,
so we can fend off those Uruk-hai hordes.
Shit, that black cloud, is it coming this way?
“A bunch of fucking crows!” is what you should say.
Looks we’ll have to go over Caradhras.
Ha, stupid Frodo, he fell on his ass.
Sean wants the Ring. Is he going to bone it?
Give it to Frodo, it’s not like you own it.
Shit! Saruman’s got a trick up his sleeve!
He’ll blast you with snow ’til you fuckers all leave!
Avalanche! Boom! Take that, Fellowship!
Looks like a snag on your Ring-melting trip.
What do we do? We let Frodo decide.
Everyone seems to take this plan in stride.
He chooses the mines, not a moment too soon.
Where is the door? Oh, hey, thanks, the moon!
But how does it open? We don’t have a key.
Just wait, throw some rocks, shoot the shit, take a pee.
Frodo will guess the password in the end.
Ha! It’s a riddle! What’s Elvish for “friend”?
WHOA, hey, the floor is all covered with death.
Also, sea monster, with really bad breath.
Cut off his tentacles! Into the mine!
We’ve got to walk through for four days? Ugh, sure, fine.
Everything’s dark and it makes me feel sleepy.
Yes, I’m aware that’s it’s s’posed to be creepy,
But absence of light makes my eyelids fall,
As does the blandness of this Dwarven hall.
Aww, Gimli’s sad, ‘cuz his cousin’s a goner.
I could try to feel something, but hey, I don’t wanner.
Hey, someone’s diary! What does it say?
Something about drums, but I think we’re okay
As long as nobody throws shit in the well–
OH, MERRY, YOU FUCKER, COME ON, WHAT THE HELL?!
Well, guess it’s time to crack open orc skulls.
(I’ve never liked orcs. I much prefer Skrulls.)
They’ve got a cave troll, you’re pretty much boned.
Witness the combat skills Hobbits have honed!
Ha, not so much, bonk their heads with a pan.
This scene’s like Transformers, I’m just not a fan.
A big CGI beast is flailing his arms.
Stop-motion’s faker, but it has its charms.
This troll is digital, none of it’s real.
This is why fear is not something I feel.
God, this loud scene just keeps going and going.
Why was the praise for this film so damn glowing?
Mithril, hurrah, your plot coupon is cashed.
You wanna pause this, take a break, go get trashed?
The Balrog is great, but we’ve seen him before.
Oh, wait, this is science, I’ll have to endure
The rest of this film, and repeat it next week.
I must say, this year’s been incredibly bleak.
Uh oh, a demon, he’s fifty feet tall.
I don’t think your weapons will stop him at all.
Run to the bridge, Gandalf’s hatching a plan.
The stairway is cracked, jump across if you can.
Dwarf, you need help? I can give you a toss.
You got this? You sure? Okay, hey, you’re the boss.
Fuck, the roof’s breaking! It’s smashing the stairs!
Lean! (And ignore all the physicists’ glares.)
Phew! We all made it! Hey, wait, where is Ian?
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” the old wizard’s decreein’.
Whoops, now he’s gone, falling into the pit.
I can’t go on when I’m feeling like shit.
But Strider insists that we move on as planned
to other fake places that aren’t quite as bland.
I can’t believe there are forty minutes left.
I’m feeling crushed by the running time’s heft.
This part is so boring I can’t even type.
You might think it’s solemn, but I think it’s tripe.
Blah blah blah Galadriel, Elf shit, whatever.
I cannot stomach this Jackson endeavor.
Look in the puddle, can you see the ending?
I’m somewhat interested in this time-bending.
That’s why my attention begins to unravel!
This movie lacks something I’m fond of: time travel!
Oh, wait a minute, I do like this scene
Where Cate becomes goofy and stupid and green.
What the fuck, movie? Just what am I seeing?
It’s dated and silly, you must be agreeing.
Saruman, rally the troops, send them off.
Did you tell that Uruk not to fuck Frodo? *cough*
Here, have a vial of star juice, buh-bye.
Have fun trying to kill off that big blazing eye.
Frodo! The Argonath! Isn’t it neat?
Let’s make a campfire. Got any meat?
Guuuuuh, I hate this, the end is so near.
I promise my posts will be nicer next year.
Talk about marshlands and gather some wood.
Where is Fro’? Nobody knows, but they should.
Boromir grabs him and goes for the Ring,
But Frodo goes clear like it ain’t no thing.
Aragorn wants to protect that gold hoop,
But Frodo is planning to just fly the coop.
So off goes the Hobbit while Strider defends.
He’s joined by the rest of his Fellowship friends.
Arrows and axes and blades swing about.
It’s fun for a couple of seconds, then I’m out.
At this point I’m waiting to see Jackson’s credit.
And the Cinema 52 blog? I regret it.
I’ve got two more months of this movie to take,
and Tolkien enthusiasm I cannot fake.
Ouch, Sean Bean’s dying, he does that a lot.
Here is a chart, whether you like it or not.
Look out for the monster, he’s throwing his shield.
Attack him with vigor, and yet, will he yield?
Cut off his arm and then chop off his head!
I’d guess that he’s dead. Is he dead? He is dead.
Boromir! No! You were such a nice friend!
Kidding, you’re mostly a dick ’til the end!
Frodo is off in a boat and Sam follows.
Fuck, he’ll be dead if that water he swallows.
Grab Frodo’s arm! Now you’re still alive!
Come on the journey! Help Frodo survive!
Sean Bean has floated away down the falls,
And by this point I am just staring at walls.
Sam and Frodo arrive at Mordor,
And I am very very very very very very glad I don’t have to do this any more.
Until next week.
ONE THING THAT WOULD HAVE IMPROVED THE MOVIE:
Gandalf throwing down some beats for my siiiiick rhymes.
Just a suggestion, DJ Stormcrow.