OBJECTIVE: Watch Avatar once per every week of 2014.

WHEN: October 27, 2014, 4:39pm. (Week 44, October 26-November 1.)

WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME.

FORMAT:  DVD on a 19” AOC LED computer monitor; digital download on an iPhone 3.

COMPANY: None.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Under the weather.

I shit on Avatar a lot. This is bound to happen when you watch a movie you hate 52 times over the course of a year. But it’s important to remember that it could be worse. As cheap as many of Avatar‘s emotional moments are, the film at very least avoids cheap laughs.

NO FARTS:
At no point is humor derived from the expelling of gaseous emissions from anyone’s anus. They even resisted the temptation to make any gas puns during that scene where the humans gas Home Tree.

HomeTreeGas

Silent, but deadly.

NO POOP JOKES:
With all those horses running around, it’s kind of amazing that there are no jokes about Jake stepping in their filthy leavings.

JakeShit

Even when it looks like he really might have.

NO DICK JOKES:
As I’ve noted before, we don’t even know if Na’vi have penises, so it’s fairly unsurprising that there aren’t a bunch of dick jokes littered throughout Avatar‘s script.

JakeButt

Again, there is so much opportunity.

NO JAR JARS:
Many sci-fi films seem to feel the need to insert a wacky character into the film for kids to relate to. They generally bumble around and act like a fool. Or a racist stereotype. While Avatar is full of racist stereotypes, thankfully none of them are used for the sake of humor. No Jar Jars here.

AvatarJarJars

Poor Neelix’s lung can’t process Pandora’s atmosphere.

NO CHARACTER- OR PLOT-DRIVEN HUMOR:
Many films use their characters and plots to generate humorous situations and moments. Avatar doesn’t. Unless you count the terrible terrible breakfast scene.

WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE:
Are there any jokes in Avatar at all? Fuck. Maybe that’s why this film takes so damn long every week. It has no sense of humor whatsoever. And while I’m glad that there aren’t a bunch of farting, poop-stepping buffoons running around Pandora, the film could stand to take itself just a little less seriously. For a moon with low gravity, the atmosphere is pretty damn heavy.

Also, sorry, I had meant to write something positive about Avatar today, but that seems not to have happened. Oops.