OBJECTIVE: Watch The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring once per every week of 2014.

WHEN: June 7, 2014, 6:26pm. (Week 23, June 1-7.)

WHERE: In the living room of Cinemanaut John’s apartment in Portland, ME.

FORMAT: Blu-ray on a Vizio 47″ LCD HDTV.

COMPANY: Cinemanaut John and his friend Hannah Peterson, who you may recognize from previous articles, but you weren’t frightened of her rabid fandom then.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Just ate a banana.

It’s one thing to sit through a movie you hate with people who enjoy it, but it’s another thing entirely to watch The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring with someone who speaks fluent Elvish.

Enter Hannah Peterson.

As you might have guessed, Hannah had far too much to say to fit into one short video. Or to turn into a well-organized article. Am I wrongfully blaming her for my shortcomings as an editor and a writer? You bet! Bullet points.

THINGS HANNAH TOLD ME:

  • Sauron blows up when you cut his fingers off “because it’s a fantasy movie.”
  • The score for the complete trilogy has 86 themes.
  • She was a moderator for a Tolkien fansite.
  • The cake in Bilbo’s birthday scene caught on fire.
  • Elijah Wood was 17 when they began filming.
  • Rivendell is based on a place Tolkien loved to hang out in Switzerland. Hannah has been there.
  • The big creature I’ve nicknamed “Monsterpus” is actually called The Watcher in the Water.
  • Hannah and I both feel sad for the cave troll when he dies.
  • A big Tolkien fan in-joke is to ask, “Did Balrogs have wings?” because of a vague description in the books.
  • When she was 14… nope, this needs its own heading.

HANNAH HAD A CRUSH ON THE BALROG:
No, seriously, while everyone else was swooning over Legolas or Aragorn or that Figwit guy, 14-year-old Hannah Peterson wanted to date the big demon with the fire whip.

“Hey, girl.”

MY NAME IN A FAKE LANGUAGE:
What? Hannah… that’s so nice. Hannah gave me a piece of paper with my name written in Tengwar on it. Oh, you! We may never agree on Tolkien, but you’re alright, Hannah.

Unless this secretly says “butt licker” or something.

ONE THING THAT WOULD HAVE IMPROVED THE MOVIE:
Having a replica sword nearby while watching it–OH, WAIT, I DID.

Look at this badassery. Thanks for stopping by, Hannah!