OBJECTIVE: Watch The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring once per every week of 2014.

WHEN: March 29, 2014, 6:14am. (Week 13, Mar 23-29.)

WHERE: In the living room of my apartment in Portland, ME.

FORMAT: Blu-ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV.

COMPANY: None.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Groggy as hell. Out of ideas.

One trick I’ve learned for getting the most out of movies is to watch them from the villain’s point of view. What’s their strategy? What do they gain if they win? Why be a meanie in the first place? Last year, I analyzed the exploits of Biff Tannen from Back to the Future, who’s basically just a dummy with fists and no plans. This year, I’ve got Sauron, whose sights are set a little higher than marrying Lorraine Baines; he wants to dominate all life in Middle-earth. (Not a sex thing…I think.) So, I watched The Fellowship of the Ring and pretended I was Sauron, and boy, it didn’t take long to feel like I was fucking up left and right.

“Come on, Saurie, you’ve got this…”

So right off the top, my primary evil plan is to give a bunch of rulers some shiny rings that allow me to control them. While this seems like a pretty bitchin’ ability, I’m not sure exactly how to proceed here. Don’t I have to gradually tighten my grip on these monarchs over the course of several years? I mean, if King Niceguy just wakes up one morning and proclaims, “Burn all the villages right the fuck down, muahaha,” aren’t the citizens going to figure out that something’s up? This, of course, is exactly what happens in the movie; a resistance rises up to stop Sauron once they realize things are screwy. Man, we’re barely five minutes in and I’m already grasping at straws.

“Okay, new evil plan: forge 500,000 rings…”

Oh, also, one major disadvantage I have as Sauron: I blow up if you cut my fingers off.

“Ah, poop.”

That is one shitty Achilles heel. Have I always had this problem? Do all of my family members have detonators in their pinkies? And if we assume that this is not genetic and merely a side effect of wearing the One Ring for too long, does Sauron know that being separated from it will cause him to explode from the inside? If so…maybe keep it on a chain? Or forge some gauntlets from the same indestructible material as the Ring? Wait, but then the One Gauntlets will blow me up if they get cut off, so I need to make the One Chain Mail and the One Breastplate and…ugh, maybe dark magic is more trouble than it’s worth?

“Awww, but I wanna dominate all life and stuff…”

Okay, fine, so I’m Sauron and I’ve just blown up real good and I’ve got the choice to either a) die or b) turn into a big eye. Yeah, I’m gonna need to hear some more perks on that second option. What’s that? I can influence people? Like, force them to do my bidding? Oh, wait, I’m just whispering at them and politely requesting that they do my bidding?

“Pleeeeease go on a Chipotle run…”

Hmm, I think I’m gonna hafta pass and shuffle off this mortal coil. It’s been fun–hey, wait, what about the One Ring? I can probably use that to fuck around with people. But remember what the Probably Cate Blanchett narrator lady said: “The Ring of Power has a will of its own.” So can I control it, or is it trying to get back to Papa Sauron by itself? I guess I can see people and talk to them when they put it on; that’s kinda neat. Okay, I’m a giant eyeball, a piece of jewelry wants to hang out with me, and I can whisper at guys. If I’m dead, nothing. Forever. Fuck, let’s take the gamble.

“Yes! I look badass! Wait, what the fuck? Why can’t I move?”

Seriously, I’m stuck in a tower. That sucks balls. Nobody thought of making me mobile? Now I gotta whisper at a bunch of Orcs to build me a cart and haul me around. This is bullshit. Villainy blows. Well, I guess I have plenty of time to think up a new plan, as long as some heroic type doesn’t come along and figure out what the One Ring is for. WAIT, I TOTALLY WROTE THAT ALL OVER THE ONE RING.

“Don’t read it, don’t read it! DAMMIT.”

Fuuuck, now everybody knows I wanna bind them in darkness and shit. Okay, that’s it, I gotta build an army. *whisper whisper whisper* Alright, cool, Saruman’s on top of it. I’ll use an Orc army to stop people from destroying the Ring, because that’ll kill me. Whoa, why did I take this option again? I could either die or spend my useless eyeball existence trying to stop the majority of Middle-earth from making me die. This is more trouble than it’s worth. And I don’t even have a body! What good is dominating all life if I can’t eat or drink or choke women while I’m fucking them? Uh, not that I’m into that. I just dress like I’m into that.

“Okay, you got me, I’M INTO THAT.”

Well, my main objective is to keep that Ring unmelted. Luckily, I’ve already sent the Nazgûl to go kill those pesky Hobbits. Waaaaait–those dudes are scary as fuck! Samwise will run away shitting the second he sees them. Maybe it would have been smarter to send some sexy lady Hobbits?

“Yeah, Rosie looks pretty chokable.”

Oh, hold up, Frodo’s totally putting the Ring on. BRB, I’m gonna put the fear of Sauron into him. Ahem…HELLO, FRODO! YOUR ASS IS MINE! SURREND–Christ, he knows what I look like now, doesn’t he? FUCK. ME.

“Uh, when you see a big vagina on fire, that definitely isn’t Mordor. Keep walking.”

My God. This is…this is going horribly. I’d better deal with Gandalf so he can’t help these little fur-footed fuckers. Hey Saruman, go ahead and kill Gan–WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU STUCK HIM UP IN THE TOWER? An ally? No, that’s horseshit. Why do I want to partner up with a guy that’s helping the Hobbits? I see what’s going on here. You don’t have the balls to kill your friend, do you? Saruman, I’m starting to think some of the voices in your head aren’t me. Well, get your ass up there and throw him over the side! Wait, your tower is enclosed, right? Gandalf doesn’t have access to moths up there, does he?

“FUCK. EVERYTHING.”

No, Saruman, it’s cool. Really. You don’t have to cower like that. I couldn’t bitchslap you if I wanted to; no hands. Listen, I’m proud of your army. That took some effort. Super-enhanced Orcs? Sorry, “Uruk-hai”? Those guys are awesome. Good work. Send a bunch of them to bring the Hobbits back alive. Wait, what? I told the Nazgûl to kill them? I…no, Saruman, I don’t know why I want them alive. I mean…I don’t need to tell you why I want them alive! Just do it! Just…do it. Please. I am so out of it right now.

“I think I need a Nap of Power.”

Oh, look, Frodo’s put the Ring on again. Hi, buddy. Here’s where my tower is. Come and get me. *sigh*

ONE THING THAT WOULD HAVE IMPROVED THE MOVIE:
Seriously, Barad-dûr 2.0 needs to get around.

“Yeah! Wheels, bitch! Let’s roll!”