I’ve run in some fairly nerdy circles my entire life, but whenever somebody mentions just how awesome Lord of the Rings is, I have to awkwardly stare at my feet and hope they skip over me or steer the conversation back to a sci-fi topic I can geek out over. Truth be told, fantasy’s just never done it for me. I don’t wanna check out Skyrim or Game of Thrones or Dungeons & Dragons, no matter how great my friends claim that they are, because at the end of the day, I am unable to say “wizard” or “spellcasting” or “enchanted amulet” in a non-sarcastic voice. To me, yeah, I was a dork, but at least I wasn’t a fantasy dork.

On the left, some interesting individuals. On the right, nnnnnerrrrrdsss.

I was so rigid in my magic-hating ways that it took me a couple of months to figure out that my pals were legitimately excited for a Fellowship of the Ring movie. I saw a poster for it on a friend’s wall when it was out in theaters and just kind of… needed a minute. Wasn’t this that big boring book that nobody actually liked? Was this really gonna be a thing with everybody I knew? I finally caved to the pressure shortly before the release of The Two Towers and rented Fellowship to see if I could get into it.

And I fell asleep.

That’s not a cheap joke. I justdidn’tcare. Who’s getting the what? Take it where? Who are these other guys? Zzzzz. I kept nodding off and eventually just went to bed, asking my dad if I could try again in the morning before he returned it to the rental place. Once refreshed, I started over, and it felt like such a chore, but I finished it, dammit.

That’s the signal! I’m free!

No, I never made it through the trilogy. I reluctantly saw the second half of Return of the King while hanging with friends a few years later, and this is all I know of the films. I read The Hobbit in high school. That was alright, but it didn’t thrill me. Everything else I know about The Lord of the Rings has been absorbed from conversations and pop culture, and let’s just say that I’m not terribly absorbent. Actually, let me show you.

Hahaha, I’m an idiot about stuff I don’t like! Anyway, let’s get down to the real reason I’m even talking about these little fur-footed fuckers… the fact that I’ll be watching The Fellowship of the Ring once per every week of 2014. How will that affect me? Oh, I’ve got some theories…

1) I will definitely retain more facts about The Lord of the Rings, and likely be able to follow along in conversations with fans. Side note: I’m going to hate that. I get a kick out of not knowing what the hell everybody’s talking about and seeing the looks on their faces when I call Sauron “Saruman.” (Come on, those are shittily similar antagonist names and you know it.)

Now go kill Dumbledore, Saruman!

2) I will enjoy the movie the first couple of times on a technical level, primarily out of necessity, but if this experiment has taught me anything, it’s going to get old real fast and I’ll want to scratch my eyes out. It’s going to be a struggle to start the movie every week and I will somehow despise it more than I do now.

3) I’ll be miserable all year. If previous experiments are any indication, I had a pretty rough year of Top Gun and a wonderfully happy year of Back to the Future. This experience is going to send me into a deep despair.

4) My social life will improve? Seriously, I know so many LOTR fans and I’ll probably watch Fellowship with as many as possible. Then again, I’ve sort of outed myself as a hobbit hater. Perhaps I’ll be shunned. But for now, I’ll say that my new understanding of this world will help me connect better with my friends.

5) I will avoid the fuck out of the fantasy genre. While I coped with 52 weeks of Back to the Future by immersing myself in as many time travel movies as humanly possible, that was a fun project because I actually enjoy time travel. With Rings lording over me 24/7, the only way to survive will likely be a steady drip of sci-fi films, shows, books, and comics. Okay… maybe I’ll finally check out Game of Thrones.

Where are the robots? There isn’t a single robot on this show?!

6) Oh, what the hell, I predict that I’ll have dreams about wearing the One Ring on my dick. Hypotheses aren’t fun unless you go all out.

Alright, Junior Movie Science Cadets. 52 weeks of the first third of Frodo’s big long boring adventure. Ring it on.