WHEN: 5:25pm EST, November 7th, 2013
WHERE: In my apartment in Portland, ME
FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 47″ LCD HDTV
PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Tired from the gym. Eating dinner.
THE 45th TIME AROUND:
Having undertaken the bizarre task of watching Jurassic Park once every week for a year, the film has become fairly entrenched in my brain. After 10 months, though I still have a deep and abiding love for this dinosaur-filled fun-fest, a lot of the small things are starting to grate on me. Below are seven weird little chunks of Jurassic Park that, after 45 viewings, keep dragging their fingernails on the chalkboard of my brain.
1) HOW CAN HAMMOND SEE THE ISLAND?
You’ve got to love the moment when we first see Isla Nublar. The music swells. Richard Attenborough gets a gleam in his eye. Yet, given the direction the helicopter is moving, when Hammond “sights” the island, he’s looking out to sea.
“There it is!”
To be fair, he never says that it’s the island that he’s spotted. Maybe it was just a pelican.
2) PART OF THE SCORE KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE “DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT”
Everybody here is out of sight. They don’t bark and they don’t bite…
…well, they don’t bark.
3) 65 MILLION YEARS OF GUT INSTINCT
For some reason the T-Rex isn’t taking the bait and eating the goat. Grant surmises that it wants to hunt, not be fed, saying, “You can’t suppress 65 million years of gut instinct.” His phrasing bothers me. The Tyrannosaur doesn’t have 65 million years of gut instinct, it has 65 million-year-old gut instinct. Grant makes it sound like the dinosaur’s instinct has been piling up, waiting for its body to be revived ever since the extinction. Is it obvious what Grant meant? Yes. Do I care? No.
You’re a scientist, dammit! Be precise!
4) MALCOLM IS A CONDESCENDING ASS
I know he’s flirting and all, but Malcolm’s little bang-tug while talking to Sattler always seemed unnecessarily demeaning, especially accompanied by his condescending “Did I go too fast?” comment. She’s one of the top minds in the field of paleobotany, try to show a little respect.
“You don’t follow my vague, inaccurate chaos jargon? How cute.”
5) LEX DRIVEN TO RECLUSIVENESS THROUGH DINO-SNOT
After Lex is sneezed on by the Brachiosaur, Tim bemoans, “Oh great! Now she won’t try anything new. She’ll just sit in her room, and never come out, and play on her computer.” Really, Tim? She’s just been chased around a theme park by a giant monster that her Grampa made. After all that, a little snot is what’s going to seal her fate as a nerd? Whatever.
Being covered in mucus: an important stage in every future hacker’s life.
6) HEY GRANT, HIDE IN THE DRAIN!
So, this huge convenient drain is safe enough for Lex to stay in while Grant gets Tim out of the tree, but not safe enough to stay in after that? It’s obviously small enough that the Rex can’t get its whole head in, and its proximity to the Rex’s territory should deter smaller predators from snooping. Oh, and it’s also conveniently next to the road that any rescue team will inevitably drive up. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVER LEAVE THIS DRAIN?!
Maybe Gennaro’s final terror shits are flowing through that pipe. That could be why they left.
7) “LOOK HOW MUCH BLOOD”
As the Gallimimus lays dying, a shocked Tim exclaims, “Look how much blood.” Oh, how much blood was that again, Tim? TRY NONE.
I guess the Rex doesn’t like his steak rare. (Either that, or he likes his movies PG-13.)
So, there you have it. JP has reduced me to yelling at fictional children. Let me be an example, kids. Don’t watch Jurassic Park 45 times.