This is it, Junior Movie Science Cadets; the third and final year of the Cinema 52 experiment is coming right up. The fate of four brave Cinemanauts rests in your hands. For the entire year of 2014, each participant will be required to watch a single movie he hates once per week for an entire year, 52 viewings in all. And you get to select those movies.
What follows are three personal selections from each Cinemanaut and their reasons for despising each film. After carefully considering all of the titles, please look over the voting rules… then do your worst.
We can take it. We think.
1) Fight Club (1999) – I’ve watched this three times (once in high school and twice in college) and never enjoyed it once. I’d rather turn in my Hip Film Cred badge than suffer through this movie’s schlocky writing, insufferable fuck-the-system bullshit, and fractured fandom claiming that I don’t like it because I don’t “get it.”
2) The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) – My dad rented this shortly after it came out and I fell asleep watching it. Figuring I was just tired, I watched it in its entirety the next day… and believe me, it’s the film that made me pass out. Running in nerd circles, I’ve seen chunks of the trilogy here and there, but not being a fantasy guy, yawwwn.
3) The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) – When I saw this in college, I was told: “It’s a bad movie! You love bad movies!” Correction: I like discovering what makes a film fail, not shouting lame pre-scripted jokes at it. Maybe it was fun when it debuted, but now it feels like a meme that won’t die. Sorry, theater majors.
1) Junior (1994) – I don’t remember how many times I have seen this movie, but it’s been a while. When did anyone think Arnold was capable of acting? I am guilty of liking certain Schwarzenegger flicks, but this is probably his worst movie. Not only does this have one of the oddest team-ups in cinema, but it is just creepy. I am not sure if I was pushed past the point of terror or if I legitimately thought that CGI baby Arnold was funny.
2) Marmaduke (2010) – This is the most retarded movie I have ever seen. I use “retarded” in the traditional, “slowing down the progress of the human race” sense. I was paid to see this movie during a summer camp and have never wanted to even glance at the box art of this cinema abortion. One viewing was enough for me. This movie should be the yardstick to determine if someone is allowed to breed.
3) Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010) – I saw this in theaters with some friends who said that the books were “the best thing evarz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!” I have seen it a couple of times since then, maybe three or four times total. I don’t care that the ending was written before the book series was finished; the entire movie is nothing but the celebration of the spaztastic, ADD, self-important high school attitude that has taken over adulthood.
1) Avatar (2009) – I saw this during the 2009 Oscar season, and its widespread appeal baffled me so much that I made it a goal to watch all the other nominees just to see if it was present by default. CGI and a stick-thin story do not a classic make. So why are so many obsessed? I can’t stand the film, but I’m determined to find out.
2) Cars 2 (2011) – I watched this because I’d never missed a Pixar production. It filled me with a rage I have never before felt towards a film. It’s not just a bad movie that sets a horrible example for children; it may be the key to understanding all that is wrong with American culture. I don’t just have 52 problems with this film. I probably have 104. This monstrosity MUST be explored.
3) Crash (2004) – I saw this as part of an ongoing quest to see every Best Picture Oscar nominee ever. It is the perfect example of up-its-own-ass, faux-life-affirmation filmmaking through disjointed, plotless storytelling. It is so generically drab, I don’t even look forward to hating it.
1) Daredevil (2003) – I had the great misfortune to see the red-horned stepchild of superhero movies twice in theaters when it came out. This movie is like Frank Miller’s run on the comic… if it sucked. Stan Lee didn’t like it and neither do I!
2) Romeo + Juliet (1996) – One of my teachers (who shall remain nameless) showed us this Shakespearean shit pile when I was a high school freshman. I tried watching it again in college and my feelings never changed. I don’t like this version of the classic story and I don’t get why people do. It is all sound and fury and signifies nothing.
3) Wild Wild West (1999) – I saw this cow pie in theaters when it came out and again on a bus to Boston. The movie was so bad Will Smith later apologized for it. Wicki-wicki-what the fuck?
And that’s that. So get votin’. You can vote once per day for the entire month of September. Here’s the ballot. Give us hell.
[Voting is now closed, but we’ll keep this page here as a monument to what might have been.]