A long time ago, in a–

Nope, can it, just wait for Episode VII.

This isn’t a time for forced jokes (except that one), this is a time to talk about Top Gun, the Star Wars of Earth. (Minus the more believable sexual chemistry between Luke and his sister.) Top Gun ain’t the sort of movie you want to be watching once a week, but unfortunately, I do stupid things sometimes.

Here’s what that much Top Gun does to your head after 47 weeks.

Nov. 18, 2012
6:51am EST – Watching Frasier, “Space Quest.” Frasier says, “Sorry to bother you…” I heard Maverick adding: “…on a Sunday, sir.”

Nov. 19, 2012
12:07am EST – Watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Force of Nature.” Geordi says, “I’ve had time to make it better.” Thought of Viper saying, “We’ll make you better.”

6:19am EST – Legitimately don’t know what quote is stuck in my head. Some pilot yelling, “See mah twelve o’clock high” twice. Or something like that. Don’t have the words stuck in my head, but the rhythm and melody of them. Won’t go away.

10:18am EST – Read the phrase “just days away” on a poster. Heard Jester say “just two points behind.”

Nov. 21, 2012
11:23am EST – Played some audio backwards at work and heard “wing man.” Froze in my tracks. Played it backwards again. DID NOT HEAR ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING THE PHRASE “WING MAN.”

Speaking of bad movies…

7:24pm EST – Said to Becca, “I’m a few viewings behind.” Heard Jester’s voice say, “Just two points behind.”

Nov. 22, 2012
12:09am EST – Watching Cheers, “No Contest.” Sam mentions a confidence problem. Pictured Viper telling Maverick he has a confidence problem.


The subtitle of this article should be “Ain’t Netflix Grand?” Seriously, go watch all those shows.

Okay, so we’ve significantly moved into a new stage of brainfuck.

“See-my TWELVE o’clock hiiiiiigh…”

“He’s-at TWELVE o’clock hiiiiiiigh…”

“Something BUP buh-bup baaaaaaaaah…”

Now that I’ve run out of Top Gun quotes to remember at the worst times, I’m getting attached to the inflection instead of the words. It’s like having a tune in your head, but it’s the way someone speaks. I honestly can’t remember the quote, I just know I couldn’t stop talking with the same notes for a few hours.

“Can-ya HAND me that taaaaaaape?”

“Don’t-forGET to call Johnnnnnnnn…”

“Come-and KNOCK on our doooooooor…”

Oh, fuck, that’s why that sounds so familiar.

“Ooh, this looks good. Is it on Showtime? It must be.”

Hey, let’s talk about backwards audio.

I’ve thought about administering tests on us, like word association or Rorschach images, to see if we’ve got our movies on the brain. The only problem is that we’ll be aware of what the tests are for, so the results will be skewed.

Luckily, I accidentally gave myself a test and I didn’t even know it. I have to fast forward and rewind audio at my job to pluck out soundbites from raw footage. All day, I hear voices sped up, slowed down, regular speed, backwards, forwards, you name it. When I heard a woman speaking backwards for a few seconds and clearly heard her say “wing man,” it gave me a jolt, but it made sense. That could be all sorts of sentence fragments played normally… “man knew,” for instance. But the terror came when I played it again and, honestly… it wasn’t there. There wasn’t a trace of anything even close to “wing man,” in either direction.

I really want this year to be over.

“Two pairs of dog tags playfully dangling in the sand under the shade of a volleyball net.
Why do you ask, Doctor?”