WHEN: 4:39am EST, November 17th, 2012
WHERE: In the living room of my apartment in Portland, ME (Isla Nublar)
FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV
PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Couldn’t sleep, hence the time. Glad to be watching at an hour where I won’t bother anybody.
TODAY’S FUN WAY TO WATCH TOP GUN: Did you see Cinemanaut John‘s High Fidelity viewing where he tried to draw pictures of things on the screen in real time? Really, check it out if you haven’t. I thought that was just such a cool idea, making art from art, so I wanted to take a crack at it. So, my medium of choice… the written word.
I’d like to point out that it’s National Novel Writing Month, which I suddenly remembered right before I started. While this isn’t the same, it’s a similar idea; get the words down quick as you can, because you only have thirty days. For today’s viewing, I only have the running time of Top Gun.
I propped the laptop screen directly below my television, making every effort to a) type without looking (I’m out of practice, but I get by) and b) try not to think too hard. The sentence in my head would be the sentence on the page. I attempted rhyming couplets, but don’t count the syllables, please. If it helps, imagine it’s being rapped poorly. The only changes I made after its completion were in punctuation, italics, and other bits of formatting.
And now, the epic poem in its entirety.
THE JOURNEY OF THE MAVERICK
by William Gray
Drum machines pulse on a mountain peak.
It’s Top Gun time for the cinema freak.
Tony Scott visits on a weekly basis.
And I get to see Tom Cruise rape-faces.
March 3, 1969.
Fighter Weapons School worked out just fine.
Here comes the title, it’ll kick your ass,
But you have to wait to go to class.
Here we are now on the aircraft carrier.
It looks cool but it’s gonna get scarier.
All the silhouettes are doing their job.
Some people think all the pilots love knob.
Look at those jets! Look at these guys!
Watch them head out to the skies.
Kenny Loggins busts on in.
I will punch him in the chin.
This song is my personal hell.
Glad his career turned out so well.
Check that tailhook, don’t fall off.
Turn your fucking head and cough.
Jet blast knocks you on your ass.
Already, this poem’s crass.
Indian Ocean, sweaty men.
Here we go again… again.
Look, it’s Strickland. I mean, Stinger.
He’s always handy with a zinger.
Now we meet our characters main.
Two men who deliver pain.
Not to the bad guys, just to me.
When is Week Number 53?
Hey, there’s Cougar. Check out Merlin.
Look at all the exhaust trails swirlin’.
Why can’t I see the bad guy’s face?
War is not a matter of race.
MiG-28s, now there’s a first.
Take ‘em out with a gunfire burst!
He’s comin’ around, right on our tail!
World War III? Epic fail!
Come on, Mav, missile lock.
You’ve got this, you fucking jock.
He’s buggin’ out and going home.
(Russia? Israel? Beijing? Rome?)
Do not fire ’till fired upon.
Go to the bathroom and get it on.
Sorry if I jump ahead.
This movie makes me wish for dead.
Let’s have fun with the son of a bitch.
Maverick’s antics make me twitch.
Flip him off, snap a pic.
AMERICA, you fucking dick.
Cougar, hey, why so sweaty?
How can you miss your wife already?
Maverick’s over there, cool as a cuke.
Cougar’s ready to splat some puke.
Tim Robbins can’t even calm him down.
And that guy… Howard the Duck. Fuck.
We’re way low on gas! We’ve gotta land!
Maverick has to lend a hand.
Goose advises against this mission.
(He will die and we’ll go fishin’.)
Stinger’s pissed, what else is new?
Penny Benjamin gets a screw.
Everyone is dripping with sweat.
50% of the audience is wet.
Maverick’s helmet comes with stripes.
And his face needs handy wipes.
Call the ball, it’s time to land.
Cougar’s antics get him banned.
That’s not true, he hands in his wings.
Cougar’s scared of many things.
Knock on the door, seal your fate.
Stinger’s baldness burns with hate.
You should be in sick bay, what’s on your mind?
Fear has left you weak and blind.
Thank the man who saved your life.
Go home to your child and wife.
Mav and Goose are in deep shit.
Stinger chews them out a bit.
Maverick lives up to his call sign.
Today he’d be played by Captain Chris Pine.
Goose is here for comic relief.
I find him charming as a queef.
Stinger wants to bust your butt,
But now that Cougar has been cut,
You two get to see TOPGUN.
Goose, this will be nothing but fun.
Don’t fly planes of dog shit rubber.
This film is on par with Flubber.
Maverick rides his sexy bike.
Danger is what ladies like.
Let’s all learn about ACM.
Michael Ironside, awesome again.
This gives me a hard-on, yo.
No no no no no no no.
Here comes Viper, he’s the man.
Listen to the ‘stache whenever you can.
All the pilots look around.
Iceman’s gonna take you down.
Viper tells this speech a lot.
All the men are fucking hot.
Hope your ticket’s worth the price.
Not much plot, plenty of Ice.
TOPGUN trophy? We can win it.
See that jet? Try not to spin it.
Viper admires all your arrogance.
The locker rooms have a hunky fragrance.
Iceman makes a stupid joke.
Let’s hit the bar; I’m flat broke.
Animal Night is happening NOW.
Make-up lady is a cow.
The environment is target-rich.
Maverick wants to fuck a bitch.
Look, it’s Iceman, chugging water.
Did Mav’s collar just get hotter?
Slider’s here to make dick jokes.
Do they turn into dick pokes?
Look at Iceman’s frosted tips
As his sweaty forehead drips.
Slider questions Maverick’s skill,
Then he sucks down whiskey swill.
Child abuse is always funny.
See the women getting runny?
Let’s make a bet about your wang.
Which bar lady will you bang?
How about the woman who looks like an aunt?
Assault her with a musical taunt.
Righteous Brothers does the trick.
Now take her to the bathroom and show her that you are an absolute dick.
Sixteen men sing her a song.
What if the guy she picks is wrong?
Kidding, it works, she chooses Mav.
Who later bugs her in the lav.
I’m Charlotte Blackwood, nice to meet you.
Name’s Mav, my huge teeth won’t eat you.
Here’s my date, I have to go.
Real slick, Maverick, way to blow.
Drink your beer and sit in shame.
Wait! There’s money in this game!
Maverick follows her to the toilet.
Her night? He’s about to spoil it.
And her life, let’s be honest.
GET OUT OF RHYME FREE CARD
Goose thinks they had bathroom sex.
He’s been losing gambling checks.
Time for class? Who’s this lady?
CHICK FROM THE BAR?! That was shady.
Put on glasses, hide your face.
Not so slick now, are you, ace?
Totally kidding, time to get cocky.
Knock her out like a high-flying Rocky.
You’ve got info on the MiG.
And your ego’s mighty big.
Time to tease this astrophysicist.
This is a bad idea, yes it ist.
Let’s go to the hop, time to fly.
Plus we’ve caught our teacher’s eye.
Power struggle in the hall.
Come on, Maverick, call the ball.
She’s a woman, lock it down.
You’re the biggest stud in town.
Iceman’s putting on a watch.
Mentally insult his crotch.
The hop begins and Jester approaches.
He’s the best of aircraft coaches.
Cheap Trick blasts your mind with shit.
What was their last major hit?
Mountains, Maverick, twelve o’clock!
This is action movie schlock,
Minus the fact that there isn’t much action.
Quickly, plot points lose their traction.
Hit the brakes and turn and burn.
Rebels always fail to learn.
That’s not true, there IS act three.
Then they change their history.
Planes go whoosh, I go yawn.
Wish this movie was Red Dawn.
Get your butts above the hard deck.
Air Boss is an emotional wreck.
Buzz the tower, shout, “Yeehaw!”
This will stick in Viper’s craw.
Locker rooms are full of boners,
Not to mention stunted loners.
You’re both cowboys, it’s not right.
Look out for the Iceman bite!
Jester says it’s time to go.
Viper didn’t like your show.
Air Boss Johnson yells and screams.
Then he’s covered in coffees and creams.
They proceed to Viper’s office.
What’s up, Maverick? Why so prickish?
Everything you do is dickish.
Follow all the TOPGUN rules
Or I’ll waste you pilot fools.
Dismissed. You two get out of my sight.
Goose’s face is lily-white.
Jester has an angry smoke.
Viper gives his files a poke.
Time for clunky exposition
helping the weak plot’s transition.
Goose and Mav are both awake.
Goose explains what is at stake.
He has a family and it’s not just you,
so cut the shit, you aerial yahoo.
Maverick’s dad is totally dead.
What terrors live inside his head?
Smile at Goose and say good night.
But think of father’s fatal flight…
Charlie comes to teach you lessons.
Think, uh, those nails are press-ons?
Fuck you, this is hard to do.
Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo.
Maverick tries to make a date.
Charlie hates when men are late.
Here’s her address, she’s making dinner.
Slider is a fucking winner.
Here comes the scene everyone knows.
Why didn’t I stick with prose?
Volleyball is very manly.
Everybody comes out tanly.
Kenny, man, this song is GAY.
Just about friendship? There’s no WAY.
Maverick has to have his date.
Goose is left behind; that’s great.
Look at Charlie eating fruit.
At certain angles, she is cute.
Not sure what those angles are,
but hey, she has a bitchin’ car.
Time for awkward conversation.
This damn movie changed a nation.
Really, Navy numbers rose
Because of popcorn-munching schmoes.
This scene is so goddamn boring.
Apologies for all the snoring.
Will they bang? Will it happen?
Zero percent of this movie’s for fappin’.
Well, maybe volleyball, if that’s your thing.
Hear that Otis Redding sing.
Maverick gets all sad and moody
Rather than tapping Charlie’s booty.
Literally, booty, look at her boots.
They drink wine like snooty snoots.
Duke died on November five.
To recap, no, he’s not alive.
Charlie just wants information.
Also, Cruise’s undulation.
Or is this date just a ruse?
After forty-odd weeks, I still can’t choose.
Speed off to the sounds of shit.
What was Berlin’s other hit?
Charlie has a manly hat.
Suddenly, Mav is down with that.
Will we see love in an elevator?
Nope, they fuck, like, eight scenes later.
Look out, Mav, we’ve got company.
Time to delay your Charlie humpery.
Will they kiss? That’d be nice.
You’re Team Charlie. I’m Team Ice.
At the airport, wonder why.
Wait, Goose is a married guy?!
Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan.
MEG RYAN. MEG RYAN. MEG RYAN. MEG RYAN.
Now it’s time for the TACTS trailer.
Look at Charlie. Will you nail her?
Maverick’s moves are too rebellious.
Secretly, Charlie is jealous.
He’s a goddamn aerial wizard.
Ice acts like a slimy lizard.
More Berlin, what the fuck?
This thing’s soundtrack’s made of suck.
Walk away and straddle your bike.
Ignorance, Charlie doesn’t like.
Dangerously speed down the street,
Leaving trails of human meat.
Oh, the passion! Oh, the anger!
DAMMIT, MAVERICK, TIME TO BANG HER!
First a kiss, isn’t that lovely?
Time for motions a tad more shovely.
Put away that goddamn tongue.
Slip your MiG inside her bung.
Sorry that I’m mentally six.
Come on, Charlie, suck all the dicks!
This sex scene is fucking terrible.
Second half? Also unbearable.
Here comes that iconic line,
Repeated by all dudebro swine.
Feeling the need? The need for speed?
Your delivery is flat, indeed.
Hop again, SHIT, it’s Viper.
Now it’s time to pay the piper.
Don’t leave Hollywood, you’re his wing man…
Following rules just ain’t your thing, man.
Go get Viper, prove your worth.
Shove your RIO off this Earth.
I’m just kidding, that’s next hop.
Why am I watching this fucking slop?
No, I know, it’s all for science.
You have my utmost compliance.
I will see this to the end,
Then check my data for a trend.
Training scenes just make me snooze.
Don’t watch Top Gun without booze.
Viper got you, way to go.
How much can this movie blow?
Time for you to hit the showers,
Men aquiver like precious flowers.
Apologize to Goose again.
Aren’t you supposed to be his friend?
Look at pictures of your dad.
Now the music gets all sad.
Great Balls of Fire! Goose on the keys!
Can’t you end this movie, please?
Wait, Meg Ryan, I’m just kidding.
I will do her every bidding.
Hey, you fail the Bechdel test,
because you talk of men the best.
So close, gals, and yet so far.
Another film that lowers the bar.
Take me to bed or lose me forever.
Making out to Kenny Loggins.
That would ruin all my snoggin’s.
Here we go, can you feel the fear?
Goose will soon be out of here.
Multiple bogies. We’re all in.
Time for boredom to begin.
Sorry, but this film’s a drag
Once Goose hits a body bag.
Iceman really sucks at aiming.
Uh oh, now your jet is flaming!
It’s a flat spin, now you’re falling.
Come on, Goose, now quit your stalling.
Time to serve your story purpose.
Pull that handle, you can do this.
WHOOSH! CRASH! There’s goes your skull!
Time for thirty minutes of dull.
As you float, the chopper nears.
Now Mav has to face his fears.
Let him go, we need the body.
Man, that canopy was shoddy.
Goose is dead, Mav. It’s official.
Will you go back to Pete Mitchell?
Don’t hand in your wings, you baby.
You could win the trophy… maybe.
Charlie drives you to your place
So you can make your crying face.
The Oscar goes to NOT TOM CRUISE.
He is bad at showing the blues.
Goose’s things go in a box.
Man, his wife’s a fucking FOX.
Meg, what happened? Are you still acting?
I know you retired from attracting.
Fill Goose’s box with salty tears.
You’ll be typecast for many years.
Get a hug from hottie Carole.
Hide your boner through the peril.
She’s all sad, you’re all jittery.
This acting is mired in shittery.
Time to look into this case.
Make a shitty acting face.
Goose’s death is not your fault.
No need for your plans to halt.
You can still come out on top,
assuming you’re still cream of the crop.
Sundown is your RIO now.
Engage with Jester. C’mon, KA-POW!
Sundown’s pissed, what’s up with you?
Do you flip out? Yes, you do.
Iceman shows his disapproval.
Is it time for Mav’s removal?
Send him up, he’ll get through it.
Death’s a cinch! (Until you do it.)
Have a moment with your locker.
Iceman’s still an ass; shocker.
Now you weep while at the bar.
Charlie drives up in her car.
Time to joke about suicide!
You’re a bitch.
No, that’s just a bitch move. Fuck rhyming, that is so bitchy. Who put that line in? Fuck.
Where was I? Shit.
Maverick, you were larger than life.
Charlie wants to be your wife.
Go Mach 2 with your hair on fire.
Don’t be a quitter! Be a… tryer.
Charlie’s had it with your shit.
Guess it’s time for her to split.
Now we go to Viper’s house.
Apparently you know his spouse?
But you don’t know he knew your dad?
Fuck, this story’s really bad.
Tell him all about the war.
He’s not heard this tale before.
The state won’t tell the kids this crap
When it happens on the wrong map.
Maverick, you belong in a plane.
Quitting now would be insane.
You must think about your fate.
At the very least, please graduate.
Music’s intense, jets are inspiring.
This whole part of the movie is tiring.
Iceman won the TOPGUN plaque.
Go on, give his teeth a crack.
I’m just kidding, give him praise.
Uh oh, now the stakes will raise!
Time to head back overseas.
Can we wrap this movie, please?
Indian Ocean. Hours later.
Prove to us you’re not a traitor.
Mav’s on back-up, that’s good news.
Our third act, devoid of Cruise?
Pfft, of course not, pay attention.
It’s now time for Mav’s ascension.
Pilots leave him on the deck.
Can his body cash this check?
Faceless bad guys, zooming in.
America, it’s time to win.
Five bogies, all incoming?
Hollywood just lost his plumbing.
BOOM! CRASH! Wood’s been hit.
His jumpsuit is FILLED with shit.
Maverick, you must take his place.
Blast off into outer space.
(This is hard. Don’t you laugh.
I’ve been typing an hour and a half.)
Break right! They’ve started firing!
Will our heroes start expiring?
Stinger shouts “GODDAMMIT!” a lot.
Takes my mind right off the plot.
Engage, goddammit! We need help!
Prove yourself, you worthless whelp!
WHAT THE FUCK?! Mav bitched out!
All the pilots scream and shout!
Use the Force, Mav. You can fight.
(Jacking Star Wars isn’t right.)
Kill as many planes as you can!
That’ll show Genericstan!
Blow ‘em up! Win the day!
This is macho! SO not gay!
Maverick knows a tricky maneuver.
Hey, I wonder, where is Cougar?
Some of this footage is from the beginning.
But that’s don’t mean that Mav ain’t winning!
Hit the brakes, like you did before!
You just took out number four!
Harold Faltermeyer, play!
Buzz the tower, it’s so cool!
Air Boss Johnson, what a fool!
Everybody fucking cheer!
Top Gun 2 comes out next year!
You can be my wing man any time.
Time to hug, you manly men.
Liberty is safe again.
Wow, Tim Robbins, you’re so tall.
Glad that your career won’t stall.
Pitch those tags into the sea.
Don’t give them to family.
Stinger is so proud of you.
Any idea what you will do?
Say the title, chomp cigar.
Everyone with me so far?
We return to Fightertown.
Grab a beer, suck it down.
25 cents to play a song.
Righteous Brothers? Something’s wrong.
Nobody likes that song but me.
And my ex-girlfriend named Charlie…
HOLY FUCK. SHE CAME BACK.
Time to make her crotch a snack.
Oh my goodness, that was icky.
Pepsi-Cola sure is sticky.
ANTHONY EDWARDS! He was Goose.
Credits turn these failures loose.
Where is Kelly McGillis now?
Jet planes go fwoosh and kra-kow.
Mighty wings shall play me out.
Why must bands always sell out?
An hour forty-six, my first double-rhyme.
“Out” and “out” ain’t such a crime.
Soundtrack available on Columbia cassettes.
Will I get laid? Place your bets.
Seriously, this tune is ass.
Giorgio failed music class.
So many people made this flick.
Hope their careers picked up quick.
Credits end, over and out.
Please just watch The Last Boy Scout.