WHEN: 2:13pm EST, May 30th, 2012

WHERE: My apartment in Portland, ME (Isla Nublar)

FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV

COMPANY: Sam, a lady Becca and I have been dating for a few weeks now. She asked to watch Top Gun with me a while ago, but I didn’t want to unleash all of my stupid hobbies on her right away.

Also, she hasn’t seen it!


Video is such a good idea for this section. Instead of transcribing a sentence, I can spend half an hour uploading a clip and type three times as much in the video description. Thank you, technology!

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Happy because Sam is here. Just ate pizza rolls.

SAM’S PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Good. Excited. Glad to be here.


  • Sam: “Oh my God, Val Kilmer. I want to sit on his face.”
  • We pondered why Meg Ryan hasn’t been in any movies lately.


  • Sam started humming “Danger Zone.” She’s a singer. “Love that shit.”
  • “THE PRINCIPAL FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE!” Yeah, that was my reaction too. Years ago, not now.
  • I notice that I make more chuckles, gasps, and general oohs and ahhs when I watch the movie with someone who’s never seen it. Why? Am I trying to enhance it? Brains are dumb.
  • Sam can’t stop dancing to Kenny Loggins.
  • Wow. Sam is… excited by the sweaty new TOPGUN class. But not Jester.

Know your Ironsides. Jester’s lookin’ pretty good now, eh?

  • It is strangely comforting to know each line before it’s spoken, then watch Sam react to it.
  • Sam is laughing at all the jokes that I’ve stopped laughing at long ago. I must be the worst person to watch this with.
  • Serenading will absolutely get you into Sam’s heart, according to her. She would have gone off with Maverick. We need to formulate an experiment.
  • Does Charlie know about the sex bet? Do all the Navy guys make sex bets and she’s just very intuitive? Seriously, what is her motivation for saying, “Your friend was magnificent”?
  • So far, Sam says this is not a very good date movie. I should have gone with Die Hard, Tim
  • Sam: “I love watching women play volleyball. You don’t get to see men play often.”

They could have spliced in two minutes of a women’s volleyball game and it would have had zero effect on the plot.

  • Sam is absolutely appalled that Maverick didn’t shower before his date with Charlie. Little does she know that all they fucking talk about is showering.
  • The lack of kissing between Mav and Charlie is driving Sam insane.
  • Sam hated the lack of tension building up to the sex scene, but she went apeshit for the silhouettes and the licking.
  • Every time “Danger Zone” comes on, Sam keeps dancing. It’s hard to focus.
  • I had to explain what went wrong when Goose becomes pâté because it happens so fast. They go over it during the board of inquiry scene, but whatever, Sam’s not watching this again.
  • Sam: “Who the fuck is that?”
    Wolfman: “Hi, it’s Wolfman.”
    Sam: “Oh.”

“Now that I’ve seen the movie, I feel bad for you.”

Thank you, Sam. Thank you.

No, she didn’t like it very much. We had a pretty great conversation on what the film does right and what it does wrong. The biggest mistake: Charlie and Maverick’s relationship. No real chemistry, and everything that stops them from getting together is either too forced or too subtle. (Compare blasting through traffic to be together with being two inches from his face and, eh, you know, I guess now’s not a good time for a kiss.) I also got into how the scenes in the air aren’t very exciting because there’s nothing riding on them. It’s just training. Granted, they show you that even training can be dangerous, but it’s almost saying, “Ha, you thought this was boring? Look!” That doesn’t stop it from being boring. And if the biggest motivation is Maverick taking first place, it’s not a real gut punch when he doesn’t because I didn’t care anyway.

I was going to go into how the beginning of the movie gets things right and the rest fucks everything up, but I’m going to save this for what I hope is a very interesting session of intense film analysis that I have planned for the week of June 17-23. Consider yourself teased.

I have more evidence for the still-obvious hypothesis that Friends Make Movies Better, but I may revise it… friends who haven’t seen the movie may be even more fun than those who have. That’s not a dig against Dani or Tim or Joe, but there’s just a certain exciting feeling to presenting a movie. It’s like found art; I’m the one giving this to you, and I’m amending it with my own interpretation of it, both before pressing “play” and in real time. Even if I’m sick of the damn thing.

“Hey, wait a minute, wasn’t Dani supposed to come back this week?” Thanks for asking, none of you. She had every intention of joining us, but she was feeling under the weather. To be honest, I probably won’t ask her over every time, just when I’m lonely and out of new ideas. And I kind of have one right now: is Top Gun a sports movie?

Double tease. See you next week.