Junior Movie Science Cadet David H. left a link on Facebook, with the simple message: “In case you need a change of pace…”

That link led me to purchase this, minus the John heads.

On April 4th, 2012, I assembled my gang of Pornonauts to help me judge this marvel of fuckfilm: Cinemanauts John and Ty, John’s brother Matt, and John’s roommate Elliot. Cinemanaut Nancy also wandered through on occasion.

It’s a three-disc set, one of them being Blu-Ray, so we opted for high definition. Now, this is the 19th best-selling Blu-Ray of all time on Adult DVD Empire, so it’s got to be pretty good, right? People don’t just buy pornos because they like the movie that’s being spoofed. It’s because they appreciate the tender lovemaking. So this must be some top-shelf boning.

The movie opens with the credit “A Robby D. Flight,” a clear tribute to Spike Lee (or probably some porn spoof of Spike Lee named… Dyke Lee). I am already concerned that I’m going to have to write down hundreds of results because I’ll be reminded of Top Gun every few seconds (like I was while watching Carrier). However, I’m surprised to learn that this is not your dad’s porn spoof. I was expecting some low-grade Mel Brooks rip-off with a bunch of penis-themed call signs and a plot about an elite academy where the best of the best learn how to pork. Nope. This is just a movie about flying jets in which some of the pilots become attracted to each other and have sex. That’s all.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still based on Top Gun, but it’s more like that lame shot-for-shot Gus Van Sant remake of Psycho. They don’t play volleyball with dildos strapped to their foreheads. They just… play volleyball. Count it! Did I say Psycho? Maybe it’s more like a Seltzer and Friedberg joint (flight?) instead, where something simply from a movie counts as a joke about that movie. But you know what? I don’t think this porno needs jokes. Frankly, I prefer this style. Just mirror certain aspects of the original and then get to the intercourse.

Speaking of the intercourse, it takes a while to get there. They wanted to have a plot of their own, and they take their time setting it up. Unfortunately, minus the encounter with a MiG, it opens the same as Top Gun. Aircraft carrier, angry bald guy, you two are the best… eh. We’ve seen it already. Ty pointed out that the best actor is always the ugliest, and this is true of the Stinger stand-in. Their call signs are absolutely random and not sex-related, so it’s tough to match the porn with the movie, but this is good. It’s its own independent sequel… reboot… whatever. One of them is also named Hollywood. Whoops. And Hollywood is very much like Iceman, right down to the pen flip. So… it’s a… re-imagined… fuck it, it’s a porn about jets with the occasional unimportant Top Gun reference.

Oh, okay, I have to mention this… they recorded the dialogue in the masks by actually recording it in the masks. So once they go on, it’s all, “Bnndrnnnt, wrrr hrvvv trrrffff grrrf hmmm rr brrrrjrrrrrb.” I’ll take fake-looking post-recorded dialogue in Top Gun over the mumblefest in Top Guns.

The gals, Bandit and Boo, get sent to TOPGUNS, which is TOPGUN, but with an “S.” (This probably isn’t a government-approved porno.) They hit the bar, some guy sings just enough words of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'” that they don’t have to pay royalties, and finally, after thirteen minutes, we get our first sex scene.

With this nice lady.

Bandit, played by Jesse Jane, enters the ladies room, and a beau follows her in. While I was amused that they had sex on a bathroom counter, in a cheeky alternate universe homage to the original film, John mentioned: “I’d appreciate this if her breasts weren’t so ugly.” Yeah… veiny? I’m going to go with “veiny” as the nicest word for what we saw. We also learned that, if you’re in a doggy position with your lady and you want to kiss her, just spit on the mirror in front of her and she’ll lick it off. Hot?

This is the first high-def porn I’ve ever seen, and John was the first to say what we were all thinking: “The DVD might have been a better choice than the Blu-Ray. Then you couldn’t see so many veins.” And Becca (who watched it without us) backed up this sentiment in regards to seeing stretchmarks: “I appreciated the realism, but I wanted my porn fantasy! I was torn!” Keep this in mind when you find yourself holding a three-disc with Blu-Ray.

Further ruining the first sex scene: the dog tags are all blank. Your lack of detail is killing the mood, guys. Plus, Jesse Jane kind of looks like Janice from the Muppets. Especially with her head bobbing up and down.

Okay, first scene is a bust and we’re pretty much regretting this. What now? VOLLEYBALL.

Just seeing one of these shrivels it.

Okay, this is the one thing the porn gets right, right? Nope. Dudely dudepile of dudes. I’m serious. Macho fellas spiking away. Eventually, they challenge the ladies to a game. But no naked or anything. Just more volleyball. However, this does set up the rivalry between the men and the women, so at least this volleyball scene contains more plot than its predecessor. Point Top Guns.

Our second sex scene involves Hollywood’s (Iceman’s?) RIO, Mystery. She is played by Stoya.

Here I come to save the day!

Stoya blows it out of the water. She’s all-natural, she can act, she looks like she’s actually enjoying herself… it’s great. I did a room check to make sure I wasn’t just projecting my own preferences; she’s a hit. We want more Stoya.

As the film goes on, there’s a confusing female empowerment message here. The women are better flyers than the males, and they score better on their tests. Nice. But they also conspire to mess with the guys rankings by screwing them. Also nice? I guess? Aren’t their aerial merits enough? I think they’re trying to say that, even if they have enough points, they won’t actually win because of sexism. Or something. Back to the humpin’, am I right?

After Bandit inexplicably calls the TOPGUNS program “TOPGUN” (continuity errors are not sexy), her RIO Boo, played by Riley Steele, heads to the bar and pays the bartender to leave the place empty for a little bit. She then performs a pretty nice striptease for the guy she brought in with her. The sex scene that follows is not as impressive, but nothing repulsive either. They do an artsy zoom into the light playing off of some beer bottles, then a classy dissolve. To what? Boo running off with the guy’s clothes! Oh! You can’t be naked at TOPGUNS! He’s in trouble now! You sneaky women!

The effort to destroy the men continues from there. Hollywood, played by Kayden Kross, goes for a locker room bang, and it’s pretty nice. Our gang is getting kind of bored with the sex at this point, but they kept this one interesting with some unique positions and acrobatics. Jingling dog tags are pretty mesmerizing. Also, Tyler Perry: Porn Detective noticed that two of the names on the lockers are DOGGY and STYLES, and they are next to each other during a doggy-style scene. Clever! And just like the last scene, this one is a plot point. The guy Hollywood was doing missed his hop! That’s actually a neat twist. Porn spoofs have officially become more Edgar Wright than Mel Brooks.

I need to point out the music at some point. The first few sex scenes have no music, or there might be a song playing on a radio, but these radio songs have lyrics. How does your band get its song in a porno? While the music is not good in either Top Gun or Top Guns, the porn wins for… actually rocking. It’s still formulaic cock rock, but it’s got more balls than anything in Top Gun. And now I’m mad at how far Cheap Trick has fallen again. Let’s get back to the boobies.

“Hey, guys. How’s it going?”

Oh wait, did I say boobies? I meant more plot. Here’s Ty’s reaction to what happens next: “The North Koreans… are flying across the Pacific Ocean… to California… for no real reason?” Yes. THAT HAPPENS. They’re in the middle of a hop and whoops, enemy fighters! No, they’re not even on an aircraft carrier. They’re flying over the desert, back at the airbase. Surprise, America! To the porno’s credit, they actually show the enemy pilots’ faces.

“Put down his visor so he’s not a person.” – Jerry Bruckheimer

Thanks to CGI that would rival a SyFy Pictures Original, America wins the day. Oh, also, nobody from TOPGUNS dies. I was wondering if somebody would crack his skull open during a vigorous dicking, but no, they’ve completely dropped that plot point. Once the ladies are on the ground, we get the immortal wingman line from the original, but this time it leads to an almost all-girl orgy in the hangar. One lucky fellow, supposedly the best pilot, gets to partake in a sexual feast with Bandit, Boo, Hollywood, Mystery, and the lady mechanic, Spice, played by Selena Rose. They do it all in front of British WWII planes for some reason, but just go with it, because, you know, sex. Stoya proves to still be the best, and we learn just how much reverb a hangar creates.

At this point, only John, Ty, and I remain. We’re wondering how much longer this thing is. John looks up the runtime on IMDb, because it’s not printed on the box. 153 minutes. We have 33 minutes to go. What can be left? We just had an orgy. End it there.

Turns out, we have to watch the Charlie equivalent bang the Viper equivalent. I know, I know, logic is pretty much out the door by now. The girls won, so they’re rejoicing in the fact by bumping uglies in his office. (Actual pre-hump line: “Let’s call it a victory for women everywhere.”) This last scene seems so unnecessary that John left, and Ty and I had a conversation about e-book distribution.

The gals get medals, everybody’s happy, and then they pull the worst freeze frame I’ve ever seen in a movie: they walk off screen right, but  instead of pausing it on an empty hangar, they stop it right before everybody’s out of the picture. So they’re just standing there. Not victoriously, just awkwardly, trying to go the hell home. The credits come up, and the winner for Best Porn Name actually goes to the sound guy, Boomer McPoleson.

Pictured: Probably not Boomer McPoleson.

So that’s Top Guns. I only thought of specific scenes from Top Gun twice; for the rest of the movie, I kinda just felt like I was watching the original, but suddenly, tits. I could chalk this up to being one huge result, that I now have a mental block in regards to anything involving jets, but really, I’m just cataloging it as the day I met Stoya.

Thanks, David!

If you have any suggestions for movies, TV shows, books, video games, comic books, podcasts, etc. for Bill to check out in regards to Top Gun, get in touch with him via email (bill@cinema52.com) or Twitter (@BillGrayHaHaHa), or leave a comment on the Cinema 52 Facebook page.