Ever wish you had a doorway into my mind?

Before you say “no,” Cameron Diaz is super-hot in there.

Have a peeksies at the effects of watching Top Gun weekly on the human Bill.

Mar. 11, 2012
12:31pm EST – At supermarket. Girlfriend Becca told me to put anything I need in the cart. I said, “If I see something, I’ll grab it.” Immediately thought of Maverick saying, “If I see something I want, I take it.” [No idea if that’s an actual quote.]

1:35pm EST – Watching Eerie, Indiana, “The Lost Hour.” A badly synced tire-squealing sound reminded me of the passionate car chase in Top Gun.

2:51pm EST – While driving, a son of a bitch cut me off. Thought of Maverick saying, “That son of a bitch cut me off.”

6:22pm EST – Somebody at work mentioned “a lot of broken hearts” over some sports shit and I thought of Carole in Top Gun saying, “There are hearts breaking wide open all over the world tonight.”

Mmm, if I had a time machine… I’d warn her about Kate & Leopold.

8:24pm EST – Watching the video for Fatboy Slim’s “Ya Mama.” The police chief spills coffee on himself and screams appropriately. This reminded me of Air Boss Johnson spilling coffee on himself.

Mar. 12, 2012
12:22am EST – Watching Community, “Asian Population Studies.” Annie goes into the men’s bathroom. Thought of Maverick in the ladies’ room.

This, AMAZINGLY, did not make me think of Top Gun.

7:55pm EST – “Love is a Battlefield” stuck in head. Turned into “Mighty Wings” and I didn’t notice for a full minute.

Mar. 13, 2012
12:18am EST – Watching Community, “Biology 101.” The line “fetch us a hemlock” reminded me of Charlie being a bitch to Maverick about hemlock. Also, seriously, I learned what hemlock is roughly two weeks ago. Weird.

6:13pm EST – I don’t even know what happened here. Watching footage of a colonoscopy… thought of the movie Scanners… thought of Michael Ironside… thought of Jester from Top Gun. What the hell?

SlidersDoctor Who, maybe… but Top Gun?

Mar. 14, 2012
11:19am EST – Saw an ad for “South Pacific” on the side of a bus. Briefly thought of Popeye, then thought of the Top Gun graduation scene.

3:18pm EST – While showering, scratched my balls to the tune of “Mighty Wings.” Wondering how that works? So was I.

Okay, fair warning. I watched the first disc. Results ahead.

10:15pm EST – Watching Carrier, “All Hands.” The aircraft carrier signals remind me of the guy dancing in Top Gun. Turns out the signals are just very dance-like.

10:30pm EST - Watching Carrier, “All Hands.” The air boss totally wears the same goofy yellow shirt that Air Boss Johnson wears at the end of Top Gun.

10:36pm EST – Watching Carrier, “All Hands.” They’re making coffee on the U.S.S. Nimitz. Thought of Air Boss Johnson spilling coffee.

10:48pm EST – Watching Carrier, “All Hands.” Chem lights are spotted in the water. Thought of the green water from Top Gun.

Maybe Goose dyed his hair blonde. And the ocean has chlorine.

10:53pm EST – Watching Carrier, “All Hands.” Fuckin’ sweet night vision shot of a jet landing. Thought of Cougar’s wonky landing.

11:05pm EST – Watching Carrier, “All Hands.” They got on a big-ass rising platform. Thought of the big-ass rising platform in Top Gun.

11:22pm EST – Watching Carrier, “Controlled Chaos.” They’re watching Top Gun on the Nimitz. I mean, I suppose seeing part of Top Gun is thinking about Top Gun, right? “This movie is the sole reason why your job is so cool.” – Some guy on the Nimitz who I am having trouble relating to.

11:25pm EST – Watching Carrier, “Controlled Chaos.” A pilot complains that the taxpayers don’t pay for their food aboard the aircraft carrier. Thought of Stinger barking about taxpayers.

11:38pm EST – Watching Carrier, “Controlled Chaos.” A pilot tells another pilot he “sailed under a lucky star.” Thought of Slider telling Maverick he was born under a lucky star.

Mar. 15, 2012
12:03am EST – 
Watching Carrier, “Controlled Chaos.” Another yellow shirt, another thought about Air Boss Johnson.

12:14am EST – Not Carrier-related. While putting meatballs in a plastic container, said, “Where’d that lid go?” Thought of Wolfman saying, “Where’d who go?”

Where are you now, Barry Tubb?

12:51am EST – Watching Carrier, “Super Secrets.” Guy with glasses and a mustache reminded me of the guy who spills the tray in Top Gun.

12:54am EST – Watching Carrier, “Super Secrets.” Crew member mentioned life being like “your hair on fire.” Thought of Charlie saying “Mach 2 with your hair on fire.” [Note: I also watched the fourth episode of Carrier, “Squared Away.” Didn’t think of Top Gun once.]

11:10pm EST – Watching Saturday Night Fever. Tony and Stephanie talk about Romeo drinking poison. Thought of Charlie talking about hemlock in Top Gun.

Speaking of Scientologists who aren’t as charismatic as they think starring in grossly inaccurate films…

Mar. 16, 2012
2:46am EST – “Mighty Wings” stuck in head.

5:54pm EST – “Mighty Wings” stuck in head upon waking up. Fully indulged in it and began singing aloud to see if it would help. Put on N.A.S.A.’s The Spirit of Apollo.

Mar. 17, 2012
6:35am EST - “Mighty Wings” stuck in head upon waking up again.


Out of all the methods I discussed in my guide to not thinking about Top Gun, the one that seems to be working best is the “path of thoughts.” (Oh God, I was trying to mock the stylized bullshit terms in quotation marks you find in self-help books, but it feels so wrong without them.) I’m now saying my free associations out loud if I’m really in danger of picturing Tom Cruise. So yes, you may catch me mumbling, “jet-Rocketeer-gum-bubble-pop-soda-Pepsi-Pepsi-Pepsi.” But enough about how crazy I’m going…

Hey, you know what’s really good? Carrier.

Here’s what I don’t get… Carrier has no script. It’s just a bunch of camera operators running around an aircraft carrier… and it looks so much better than Top Gun. Top Gun is so stylized and sweaty that I get sick of it. Carrier looks real, which is good, because it is.

Why is this? My first thought would be that cameras have gotten more advanced since 1986. However, a film-school-attending friend of mine tells me that Top Gun uses graduated filters… and uses them incorrectly. I take her word for it! Maybe.

You may have noticed that I thought about Top Gun quite a bit during Carrier. Here’s a graph for you.

As you can see, my number of Top Gun thoughts decreased with each episode. I theorize that, as I get used to the series, an image of a jet plane no longer reminds me of Top Gun, but instead reminds me of a jet plane I may have seen earlier in Carrier. Also, the first episode of the series introduces you to the ship itself; the following episodes start to pick out individual crew members to learn more about, driving the focus from location to inhabitants. The fourth episode (“Squared Away”) is almost entirely about a single crew member’s struggles with his own racism. The spectacle of planes going fwoosh is overshadowed by the fact that these are real people.

Unless they shot this like a reality show and there was a producer egging them on and spreading false rumors.

“Psst, I know you’re busy, but one of the pilots called you a bitch.”