Hello, and thank you for seeking out this Guide to Not Thinking About Top Gun!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Top Gun. It’s kind of a given. Luckily, here are a few tried-and-true methods for shaking all those images of jets and sounds of Teena Marie out of your brain.

Before we proceed, I’ll be throwing a few bits of stimuli at you. Don’t worry! This is a judgment-free website, and nobody’s going to laugh at you or mock you if you think about Top Gun.

Let’s begin!

1. Think of something else completely at random.
At first glance, this might be too obvious. Just think of something that isn’t Top Gun? Essentially, yes! It’s as easy as that! Imagine it like an improv comedy game, like you used to see on ABC or ABC Family. When you’re reminded of Top Gun, think: “What is the exact opposite of Top Gun?” But don’t think too long! Just get a thought in there as quickly as possible and dwell on it. Look out!

What did you come up with? Bananas, maybe? Taylor Swift? Did you think of a dog? Ah, too close. (“Dog” is one of the words in “dog tags.”) Even better, did you think of Taylor Swift eating a banana? Wow, that’s so silly! You should try improv! And Taylor Swift eating a banana is unlike anything in Top Gun! Good job. Just think of that for a few hours and you should be fine!

But wait… what if you didn’t come up with anything? Did you freeze in place and become frustrated? Could you only think of dog tags, and they reminded you of Goose’s mustache? Maybe you need another way of thinking. Too bad that’s the only one!

Ha ha. You fell for it! Wouldn’t that be nutty if there was only one? Yes. It would. It would be very nutty.

Try this next one!

2. Make a “path of thoughts” away from Top Gun.
If “randomizing” thoughts isn’t your speed, you can always try running from them! But how do you get from thought to thought? It’s simple. You make a “path of thoughts.” As quickly as you can, let your Top Gun problem remind you of something else, then let that remind you of something else, and then that will remind you of something else! See how far down the path you can go! But what if Top Gun follows you? That’s when you set off all the bombs you’ve been leaving behind! Surprise! You’re in a pickle now, Top Gun! I’ve destroyed the bridges! (There are bridges along your “path of thoughts.” And you have a remote detonator. If there were wires, Top Gun would cut them. Top Gun isn’t smart enough to dismantle remote-detonated bombs. Also, Top Gun can’t swim. No, Top Gun doesn’t have an inflatable raft.) Give it a whirl!

This is a tough one! As much as you might want to think of Rick Rossovich howling shirtlessly, focus! Remember our “path of thoughts.” Maybe volleyball makes you think of Wilson from the movie Cast Away? And hey, isn’t your aunt always talking about how good that movie is? And her son (your cousin!) has that Nine Inch Nails cover band that isn’t going anywhere, right? Remember when you saw them play at that bar? Weren’t those jalapeño poppers awful? I bet you could make them yourself if you just looked up a recipe on Google! Ha ha, look, Google brought you a jalapeño-related video that makes fun of Lady Gaga! It has over 9 million views! It must be very hilarious!

DETONATE THE BRIDGE BOMBS!

I bet you can’t even remember what you were trying not to think about! And now this laugh-tastic video is stuck in your head instead! Mission complete!

But wait… what if your “path of thoughts” was a circle? Maybe after Cast Away, you lingered on Tom Hanks, fondly looked back on his work with Meg Ryan in the vastly underrated film You’ve Got Mail, then remembered that she’s also in Top Gun. What to do? Well, maybe creative thinking isn’t for you!

Here’s another approach!

3. Focus only on whatever first reminded you of Top Gun.
Okay, scatterbrains, this one’s not for you! This is for those who can tap into that “eastern” voodoo. Instead of trying to get away, we’re going to stay in one place… mentally. (This can be performed while jogging.) When an object reminds you of Top Gun, stop. (Again, mentally.) See the object in your mind. What is it? Drink in every one of its parts, what makes it “it.” Become, what some might say, “one” with the one object. Come to view it as a self-contained whole, allowing it zero connections to anything that is not “it.” Ready? Deep breath.

Ah ah ah! No Iceman here! Stay calm. Centered. This is Chris Knight. Think of his on-campus antics at Pacific Tech. What does he do there? He works with lasers. But not for the military. He’s against that. Focus. Remember his super-intelligent friend Mitch Taylor? He’s awkward around girls. And that scene when Mitch goes in the giant closet? You could live in there. It’s sort of a metaphor for being gay… ah! A self-contained one. Don’t think of other movies starring Val Kilmer that contain gay metaphors. In fact, who is Val Kilmer? We’re talking about Chris Knight, the lovable clever goof in the “I ♥ TOXIC WASTE” shirt who turns high tech into high jinks. Oh, that popcorn house! What a wonderful popcorn house he made. Truly, he was… a genuine mastermind.

Ahhh.

Did that work? No? Seriously? You’re thinking about Iceman putting on his watch? Bullshit. No, bullshit. Real Genius is a great movie, I don’t know how you can’t be thinking of it right now. Not even when the lady asks him if he can hammer a six-inch spike through a board with his penis?

You’re fucking impossible. Here, I have some more advice for you.

4. Try not watching Top Gun every single week of 2012.
Dipshit.