WHEN: 10:05am EST, January 10th, 2012

WHERE: My apartment in Portland, ME (Isla Nublar)

FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV


PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Just woke up, little groggy, eating cereal, tense about job security after texting with Nancy

– Laughed at the on-screen text intro. “The flyers call it:” and I was like, “Top Gun. It’s Top Gun. They call it Top-” SMASH CUT TO TITLE AND BILL GIGGLES.
– Laughed at Tom Cruise’s eye acting. With a mask on, all your acting is in your eyeballs.
– Laughed at “You’ll be flying a cargo plane of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong.” Generally just grinned at James Tolkan the whole time.
– Made an “Is this gay?” face at the line about hard-ons. Can’t wait to do my Queer Theory review.
– Went “ugh” when they pan up the sexy lady leg and end on hideous 80’s make-up.
– Made a WTF face for the “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'” scene.
– Laughed at “Yes, I know the finger, Goose.”
– BIG LAUGH at the guy carrying a tray of coffee. He looks like Asian Weird Al in a sailor suit. Then the tray gets knocked over and a guy shouts, “I WANT SOME BUTTS!” I could watch that on a loop.
– Tom Cruise clicked his pen and I went, “KA-BOOM!” because I love the movie GoldenEye.

– Mild chuckle at “Slider… you stink.”
– Eyeroll for the fifth time they play “Take My Breath Away.” No other way to portray romance, eh, movie?
– Okay… legitimately choked up at the whole performance review angry make-out. It truly got me on this pass. We’ll see about next time.
– “Eww…” at the way Tom Cruise kisses in silhouette.
– “Too close for missiles, Goose; I’m switching to guns.” Scrunched up face thinking, “Didn’t that used to be written on the bottom of Facebook back in the day?”
– Foot tapping and head bobbing to “Danger Zone.” I can’t help it, I fucking love it.
– Sad face in anticipation of sadness.
– Wrinkled brow over the physics of one scene.
– “Ooh, symbolism…” at the pack of Care-Free gum on the desk.
– Ignored Nancy texting me during the post-sadness bar scene with Mav and Charlie because intensity.
– “Hey!” upon noticing that the bad guys have their visors down.
– REALLY loud laugh at “You’re gonna do WHAT?!?!”
– Surprisingly legitimate smile at the Maverick/Iceman hug.
– “Dammit!” of sadness when we hit the credits again. These editors are bastards.

- The opening is shot like a documentary. It probably was; I need to do more research. It makes me want to watch a documentary about aircraft carriers.

– “Morning, Scott.” This is the very first line of the film. Is this a reference to the director, Tony Scott?

– Val Kilmer is a close talker. I know it’s supposed to be an intimidation thing, but I still want Tom Cruise to punch him in the face, just for breathing on him.

“You wanna play volleyball?”

– If Kelly McGillis appreciated the group singing, shouldn’t she show that appreciation to all of them? Sorry, she doesn’t say, “You guys are fun! That was great!” She says, “Sit down, Maverick, you’re clearly the best of all these wonderful gentlemen because you’re the one holding the microphone!”

– Kelly McGillis’s character (Charlotte, or “Charlie”) has a Ph.D. in astrophysics. I want to see what else she does. The only other movie she’d get in would be about an asteroid hitting Earth.

– I really hope the special features show how they did cockpit filming. Sometimes I think it’s green screen, sometimes I think it’s rear projection, sometimes I think Tom Cruise can be trusted with a jet.

– Why is Maverick taking a shower such a plot point? It reminds me of awkward co-worker interactions where you had a good conversation about that one thing and now it’s all you can talk about around each other.

– I am going to Queer Theory the shit out of the elevator scene. (I’ve already ordered the film Sleep With Me in preparation for this.)

– I really wanted Airwolf to pop up over the mountains and blow everybody up. Always bet on Stringfellow.

 Oh. Thanks, Internet.

- Have a bandit day.

- Tom Cruise looks uncomfortable around kids. Maybe it’s a Maverick thing, but there’s not much support for it. Daddy issues? I’m still filing it under “unintentional.”

- I can’t tell if Tom Cruise’s acting is brilliant or confused. I always think he made an interesting choice, but I say it in a way that sounds like I mean wrong choice. Eh, you know how emotions are.

- The music ruins the scene about Maverick’s flight status. Or maybe Tom Cruise’s eyebrows, I don’t know. Yes, the music ruins Tom Cruise’s eyebrows.

- There’s no space between “TOP” and “GUN” on their hats and it bugs me. And I know that’s how they write it in the real TOPGUN, but then the movie should be titled “TOPGUN.” Can you tell I’m the editor for this site yet?

- So the MiG pilot’s visor is down, I’m assuming to give him a Duel-style sense of mystery (and not to make casting easier or to dehumanize him), but shouldn’t everyone’s visor be down? Is leaving it up just good old-fashioned Hollywood cheating? You have to see their eyes or you can’t relate to them or some shit.

- Did you know Tom Cruise accidentally shouts, “Carrie!” instead of “Leia” when he gets out of his jet at the end? Seriously, though, that scene reminds me of Star Wars.

So, I’m coming around on Top Gun this week. I liked it more on the second viewing. Here’s what I’m getting at: it’s pretty good, then suddenly something way too cheesy happens. The music fucks up or forces you into a feeling, the movie gets too sentimental, the acting is a big puffy ball of corn, or the movie just tries too hard. I think I don’t love it nor hate it because of something I hastily scrawled in my notes at the very end:


That’ll be our topic for next week. Class dismissed.