WHEN: 12:06 pm EST, May 4th, 2013

WHERE: The living room of my apartment in Portland

FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV

COMPANY: None

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Just got back from Free Comic Book Day shenanigans. The nerd blood is pounding through my veins.

THOUGHTS:

There are things in The NeverEnding Story that are left unexplained, or characters that could do with some more fleshing out. The most unusual scene in the entire movie does not include a giant talking turtle or sphinxes made of ice. I’m talking about the Fresco Room. What’s that, you ask? You don’t remember any Fresco Room in The NeverEnding Story? Well, neither do I until I see it each viewing. It’s like the Silence from Doctor Who, you forget about it once it’s out of sight. But I’ve got you this time, Fresco Room! Your bland, unexplained appearance will be dealt with.

Exactly how I keep track of my viewings.

Hello, friends in time, and welcome to a regular feature on Cinema 52 where I put my weekly viewing of Back to the Future on hold and watch another movie featuring time travel for comparison. It may not keep me sane, but it will probably always involve one guy shouting, “This doesn’t make any sense!” And that’s good enough for me.

TIMERIDER: THE ADVENTURE OF LYLE SWANN (1982)

It’s time to level with you nice people; just don’t watch this movie. Trust me, you already know if you’re going to see it from the moment I tell you not to. It’s in your nature. But believe me, even if you love seeking out terrible movies and having a laugh at them, this just isn’t good in any sense of the word. I’m going to spoiler the entire thing because, if I don’t, there’s nothing to write about. This is a boring, pointless anti-movie. It came up with one (1) premise and one (1) twist ending and called it a fucking day.

If you’re never going to watch it, you have chosen wisely and may finish this article. If you’re already putting on pants so you can head to the movie store, read no further. I’d hate to lessen the surging, life-affirming rush of hatred that only Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann can provide people of your ilk/fetish community.

WHERE: In the living room of my apartment in Portland, ME (Isla Nublar)

FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV

COMPANY: None.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Tired, trying to cram this in before work.

So, if you thought I was freaking out when I saw my first DeLorean, you’ll never guess how much I lost it when a certain somebody came strolling through my city just four days later…

Tony’s Donut Shop, located in scenic Portland, ME. And Michael J. Fox, located in picturesque My Childhood.

No, I never ran into him, though I did type up a couple mildly desperate tweets before I knew that the poor guy was in town for a funeral. I’m sorry for your loss, Mr. Fox.

Needless to say, when I sat down for my weekly viewing of Back to the Future as mandated by the Cinema 52 project, I had Michael on the brain and figured it was time to analyze his work as Marty McFly. Yet, as much as he is a central part of the film, it’s difficult for me to break down his performance. I’m going to level with you: I don’t really know how to talk about acting.

WHEN: 6:54 pm EST, April 25th, 2013

WHERE: The living room of my apartment in Portland

FORMAT: Blu-Ray on a Vizio 32″ LED HDTV

COMPANY: None

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: I’m eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream because the weather here has become ice cream weather.

THOUGHTS:

Imagine this: Earth is on the brink of destruction. Earthquakes and tornadoes are destroying the land and wiping out populations. However, chance has it that there is a super-genius from Iowa who can put an end to all of this. The genius appears at your top secret lab and it turns out that he’s a twelve-year-old boy. Wouldn’t you want to see some credentials?

You must be at least this tall to apply for this quest.

Atreyu pulls this bullshit and succeeds. But who is he, really? We know next to nothing about him, yet he’s the protagonist of The Neverending Story, Fantasia’s “only hope.” What are his origins? Who sends a twelve-year-old to save the world? We join Atreyu on his journey and become attached and swept away with his suffering and his success. Why don’t we know more about him, and is it important to find out?

WHEN: 1:00pm EST, May 1, 2013 (give or take some trailers)

WHERE: A completely empty theater at the Cinemagic Grand in South Portland, Maine

FORMAT:  3D digital projection.

COMPANY: None.

PHYSICAL AND MENTAL STATE: Somewhat glad to be done with all this.

ONE LAST TIME:

It was an odd experience sitting in the empty theater on the next to last day of Jurassic Park‘s 3D run. It has been great having the opportunity to see a film I love so much up on the big screen, even if there is a distracting extra dimension in the mix. But it’s over now. The film, though briefly brought back from cinematic extinction, is now returning to the realm of home video. I have now seen Jurassic Park in theaters more times than any other movie. The charm of having it encompass nearly my entire field of vision has not yet worn off, though paying $10 or more each week for it has.

But, judging by the completely empty theater, the appeal to people who don’t have to watch the movie every week has faded completely.  Even the man responsible for collecting the 3D glasses seemed to have forgotten about this showing. I had to seek him out, behind the concession counter, after the movie. He took them with a scowl, and I was not thanked for visiting his cinema. The meteor had hit, the sun had been blocked out. All that was left was for JP3D to curl up and die. By attending this showing, I felt as though I was only prolonging the inevitable.

Like this Triceratops, Jurassic Park was brought back from the dead, but didn’t stay healthy for long.

After over a month watching this film in theaters, I occasionally catch myself asking: was it worth re-releasing Jurassic Park in theaters? The following are some thoughts, which may or may not be relevant.

Space: the penultimate frontier.

Fuck space! Time is where it’s at!

Seriously, for a movie franchise that prides itself on exploring the stars, they can’t seem to get asses in the seats without throwing in a little violation of the space-time continuum. The numbers don’t lie; out of the four Star Trek films that hinge upon time travel, three of them are the high-grossing installments in the series. And yes, the odd one out is Generations, which barely qualifies since it’s about Magic Space Heaven and its script was written with scented markers.

I’m embarrassed to be responsible for some of these numbers.

Before darkness becomes the newest of the final frontiers, I thought it would be fitting to take a closer look at time travel in the Star Trek movies for this week’s Time Out. (And seriously, if there are any chrono-vortices or temporal transmogrifiers in Star Trek Into Darkness, Paramount is officially tapped for ideas. Also, I’ll be amending this article.) Does the story benefit from a journey through time? How do the rules work in each film, and are they consistent with each other? Was time travel necessary to keep the franchise fresh?

As Han Solo would say: “Punch it.”

Oh, and if there’s time travel in Star Wars, J.J., I swear– sorry, moving on.

[Crash course for newcomers: We're conducting a three-year experiment in which, for every year, we have to watch the same movie once a week. I had Top Gun last year, in the category Movie You Don't Love, But Don't Hate. This year I have Back to the Future for Movie You Love. Check out what everyone else is watching on our Cinemanauts page. These are my experiment results for April 2013.]

Before we talk about anything else, this happened.

In case you’re wondering, I never got the interview with the DeLorean’s owner. Guy came out, got in, took off. And who could blame him for such a speedy departure? He probably gets accosted by every Me in every city he goes to. He was hired as part of an orchestral tribute to the ’80s that Cinemanaut Becca just happened to be attending, and I was told the proceeds went to charity, but I’ve been unable to find any information on which organization it was.

Where are you now, mystery man?

A MONTH AT THE THEATER:

Without question, the Jurassic Park event that defined my April was the 3D re-release. At no point this month did I watch my movie outside of a cineplex. It meant no notepad, no distractedly checking my phone, just two hours and ten minutes of dinosaurs popping out at me in 3D. But, aside from the obvious draining of my wallet, what effects might this have had on my life? 

It’s happening. The NeverEnding Story is becoming a chore. It’s boring. It’s what I’d rather not be doing. It’s drudgery. The film I love so much is losing its luster. The only thing that still excites me is the climax. As soon as Atreyu walks into the Ivory Tower and faces the Childlike Empress, I perk right up. Here is some compelling acting. Sure, Noah Hathaway breaks my heart every time Artax sinks into the Swamps of Sadness, but when the Childlike Empress looks right into the camera and pleads, “Save us,” I melt.

Right into your heart.

Tami Stronach plays her part like a pro, which is impressive since she went on to become a dancer and stayed out of Hollywood. As soon as she’s onscreen, I begin quoting along with the movie. Her cadence and tone make the character. The Childlike Empress is what keeps me going. Which, I realize, is what keeps Bastian and Atreyu going, too. Whoa. Good on ya, Tami.

Hello, friends in time, and welcome to a regular feature on Cinema 52 where I put my weekly viewing of Back to the Future on hold and watch another movie featuring time travel for comparison. It may not keep me sane, but it will probably always involve one guy shouting, “This doesn’t make any sense!” And that’s good enough for me.

THE GRAND TOUR (1992)

Ben Wilson (Jeff Daniels) is coping with the death of his wife by fixing up a small guest house with his daughter Hillary (Ariana Richards). Although he isn’t finished, a busload of weirdo tourists show up insisting that they be allowed to stay. Over the course of approximately fourteen hours of screentime, Ben discovers that these nutjobs are actually tourists from the future. But wait a minute… what’s the historical significance of this little podunk town? Unless– OH SHIIIIIIT…